


♦ I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

by EvelynLawliet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 18:11:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvelynLawliet/pseuds/EvelynLawliet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester hates Christmas. He hates it because his older cousin, Castiel Novak, has a special tradition that includes teasing Dean to the edge. But, of course, every time Dean tries a move, Castiel stops him. Still, this year Castiel takes the teasing to a whole new level, and Dean isn't sure if he'll survive it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	♦ I Wanna Do Bad Things With You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, I have this story on my computer for what? Three, four months? Maybe even more. The ending was a bit hurried and I'm not sure if I'll create a sequel, but I love this story. Hope you guys enjoy it!

Dean wants to scream. Every single member of his family is whining about some stupid problem, and, for some reason he can’t understand, they had to talk about it only when he decides to leave his room. Sam is talking about some girl who didn’t accept his invitation to go to the school ball, his mom’s saying that no one helps her in the house and she has to do everything on her own, and his father’s complaining about his mother’s whining.

Of course, their attention all turn to Dean when he opens his bedroom’s door and all he wants to do is going back. Instead of allowing it, Mary growls at him. “We’re going to the supermarket, Dean. Me and you.” She says, getting her purse and slamming the front door as she passes by it. John and Sam look at him, their expressions at the same time angry and satisfied. And Dean can’t do anything but taking his jacket and following his mother.

After a while that they’re in the car, Mary’s already smiling, talking to him about the next year, when he would go to college. Dean likes talking about that, it’s the only time in which he can really feel close to his mother without arguing with her. Still, Mary’s thoughts are still scrambled and she starts listing the things she has to buy. “What do you think about buying some bread?” she asks with a smile.

Dean’s brain takes a while to get used to the sudden change of topics, but he joins his mother, smiling back. “Is there anything home we can eat with it?” Sincerely, the teenager’s intentions were definitely not to piss his mother off. Damn it, he just wanted to know if they had cheese at home! But Mary’s tone changes as if Dean had asked if he could watch some porn later that night.

“See? Nothing I do is enough! You three always want more! It’s not enough to have bread, we just _have_ to have cheese too!” she whines, making Dean turn to the window, trying to understand what the fuck had just happened! Because of that simple question, Mary gets so mad at him that she tells her son to stay in the car as she enters the market by herself.

Knowing there’s nothing else he can do, Dean gets his cell phone and runs his finger on the screen, trying to choose a song that can get him out of reality for some minutes. Warrant’s Cherry Pie quickly starts to play as the seventeen-year-old boy closes his eyes, appreciating the song. Damn it, is it too much to ask to have five minutes of peace? He doesn’t think so.

It’s not like Dean doesn’t have problems of his own. He’s a teenager for god’s sake, of course he has problems! But he definitely won’t start bitching about them to his family. He won’t say that he almost got suspended last week because he had a fight with Mr. Morrison, the art teacher. He won’t tell them that he is actually feeling kind of sad for not having a date to the prom. And he most surely won’t say that a guy kissed him a month ago and he then found out to be bisexual.

So yes, Dean’s been spending more than a few hours locked up in his room, not in the mood to hear about his family’s problems. Still, Dean desperately needs a relief. He wants to have a few days for his own, to jerk himself off without being afraid of someone hearing it. Dean gets crazy every time he remembers that this wish was almost granted when their parents gave him the choice of staying home during Christmas, which is a week from now.

Obviously, Dean wasn’t lucky though. He had just came home from school two days ago when his parents told him they called Castiel and he got sad to know that Dean wouldn’t go to his house for the holiday. You see, the Winchesters have a tradition of spending every single Christmas at Castiel’s, because it’s quieter, since he lives outside the town, and they have done it for seven years now.

Don’t get Dean wrong. It’s not like he doesn’t like his cousin. It’s just that he hates him. Castiel have his special tradition, which only Dean’s aware of. A torturing tradition, Dean must say. Christmas is the one time they see each other during the whole year, so Cas gets a lot of time to think about the next one. So it’s more than clear that Dean’s mad for having to go just because his parents still believe Cas’s lies. No wondering he is taking the acting course at college.

Dean doesn’t have much time to think about how he’s going to try escaping being alone with Cas this year, because his mother soon enters the car with nothing on her hands. “Turn off that damn noise.” she orders, referring to the music still coming out of Dean’s cell phone. He obeys her, and thinks about asking why she didn’t buy anything, but her expression says he better not do so.

The week passes way quicker than Dean wants it to after that. When he sees himself again, he’s already in the car, hearing Sam complain about the math test he’s having after the holiday. Dean only gets his phones and starts listening to some good old rock and roll, trying as hard as he can not to think of how Cas would look after another year. Dean has already given up saying he isn’t attracted to his cousin, because, let’s agree, Cas’s eyes are just amazing.

Yet, his hate for the black-haired guy just grows stronger at every single year, and he is absolutely sure that this time will be even worse. That because Cas has just turned twenty-one and his parents decided to go to India this year. Dean wouldn’t be surprised at all if Cas told him he had been the one to buy the plane tickets as a Christmas gift.

The car suddenly stops moving and Dean has to take a moment to realize that they’re already in front of Cas’s house. He swallows hard, his heart stubbornly beating faster than usual as he opens the car’s door, slightly shaking. John rings the doorbell and they hear footsteps from inside. Dean finally gets out of the Impala, regretting to do so when Cas’s voice reaches his ears. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

And the teenager can’t stop the shiver running up his spine with those simple words. Dean still remembers playing hide and seek with his cousin so many times he even lost count; Dean still remembers the one time they shared the same bed when the green-eyed was only five years old; Dean still remembers how badly he wanted to go back to that same house when he was still ten so he could play more games with Cas; And Dean can’t help feeling guilty for desiring Cas now.

I mean, they grew up together, they were family! But that definitely doesn’t stop Dean’s legs from losing strength when Cas opens the door and he’s simply gorgeous. The teen actually has to bite his lips not to gasp for air. Cas is wearing a grey AC/DC cotton shirt with jeans pants and Dean’s sure that he only did it to tease the teen, since that was Dean’s favorite band. Cas’s special tradition? It has just started…

“John, Mary.” He greets with a smile, messing Sam’s hair just after as the younger one smiles. “You grew up, Sammy.” Dean’s heart’s now beating wildly and he’s afraid Cas will hear it. Still, there’s no way to stop it; not after seeing Cas’s hair locks pointing to every possible direction and his eyes meeting Dean’s. “Hello, Dean.”

That’s all it takes to melt Dean down. The teen doesn’t answer, afraid that his voice will fail, so he just nods. And Cas smirks at it. Stupid son of a bitch. “Come in, please.” He asks with his excruciatingly deep voice. Dean doesn’t think his legs can move, but he gives it a try, almost breathing in relieve when he succeeds. “I’ll show you to your rooms.”

The family follows him inside as Mary tries to talk about anything at all, since the silence’s almost unbearable. Well, at least that’s what Dean thinks that happened, because he was actually only paying attention to the walls, avoiding as much as possible not to look at Cas’s ass. “So, Cas, how’s college?” Dean’s mother asks in a sweet tone.

“It’s great actually. I definitely relate to the course, although my father still complains about my choice.” Cas answers, and Dean can really hear the small point of sadness in it. They stop in front of Cas’s parents’ bedroom. “Mary, John, you two can stay here, since my parents aren’t coming back soon. Feel comfortable.”

Dean’s parents smile at him and go inside, way too tired to do anything else. “I’m glad you like it. And don’t care too much about Bobby’s opinion.” John says, referring to his brother. Cas only chuckles, nodding and moving on to the next room. He turns himself to Sammy.

“As for you, Sam, I think Gabe’s room will be just fine. Feel free to use the Internet. My brother will be here tomorrow.” Dean almost forgot about Gabriel, Castiel’s younger brother. He is Sam’s age and they always spend Christmas talking about Law and Order. Nerds, dude, they definitely freak Dean out.

“Thanks, Cas!” Sam replies with a grin, quickly entering the room and closing the door, leaving Dean and Cas alone. And Dean panics. He knows that Cas will now be able to do whatever he wants with the teen. Still, that thought kind of turns Dean on. Cas continues to walk and Dean follows him, breathing a little faster when he remembers that the house only has three bedrooms.

“You’re very quiet today, Dean Winchester.”

Dean almost falls to his knees hearing Cas calling him by his full name. Although they are cousins, Cas doesn’t have Winchester as a last name, since his parents thought Castiel Singer-Novak Harvelle Winchester would be a name too long. So yes, Dean shivers every single fucking time Cas says his name.

“Don’t have anything to say, I guess.” Dean says, thanking the lords when his voice sounds firm. The Novak shrugs at this, stopping himself. Dean tries to hide how much he’s afraid when he stops as well and turns to the bedroom.

“Hope you don’t mind staying here.” The blue-eyed says with a voice even lower than usual. God damn it! Dean bites the inner part of his cheek when he looks at Cas’s bedroom and there’s only one king size bed. He knows Cas is watching him, waiting for any kind of reaction.

The teen enters the room, still hearing his heart pounding as loudly as it can. There’s no doubt Cas can hear it too, and the green-eyed closes his eyes for only a second, trying to come back to his senses. He hears Cas’s soft chuckle behind him and sits on the bed, almost certain that his knees would fail him because of the sound.

“I assume you’re tired because of the trip.” Dean nods, and he can actually feel _in the air_ how much Cas’s enjoying his lack of words. “I’m going to take a shower now, but you can rest if you want.” The Winchester looked at the moonlight invading the room by the window as the Novak entered the bathroom. Of course Cas’s bedroom had to be a suite.

When the door closes, Dean runs to the bedroom’s one and closes it as well, supporting his weight against it. “Oh my god…” Are the only words he’s able to emit. How could Cas be so damn sexy?! Dean shakes his head as he starts hearing noises coming from the bathroom. His eyes widen when he realizes what Cas’s doing. Unable to stop himself, he approaches the bathroom door, pressing his ear against it.

Dean actually covers his mouth with his hand to stop the loud gasp that would come out of his lips as he hears Cas moaning. “No, no, no, no.” he whispers, feeling his cock getting hard already. And Cas doesn’t stop there. He moans again, but this time it’s louder.

“Yes, oh, yes!” he says underneath his low breath. That’s it, Dean isn’t going to hold himself back. His cock is almost hurting inside his pants as he lowers them together with his boxers. Dean grips his length, slowly starting to stroke himself. The “slowly” part doesn’t last long, though. He imagines Cas’s mouth around him, and a low groan makes its way out. “Dean…”

Dean stops. He stops everything. He stops breathing, he stops stroking himself, and he stops thinking. His eyes slowly open as he swallows hard, certain that it was just his imagination. But Cas moans again. “Yes, Dean…” the words are low, husky, and almost incapable of being recognized. Still, Dean’s sure he’s heard his name. And Cas once more confirms it for him. “Dean…Dean Winchester.”

Not even sure of his name anymore, Dean starts stroking his cock again, this time harder and faster, not caring about the sounds he’s making anymore. “Fuck, Cas…” he moans with a strong breath, feeling his muscles contorting themselves. It’s true that, if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t even need to touch himself to come, but his fingers are doing wonders as he hears Cas’s constant moans.

Obviously, it doesn’t take long until he jerks off on his hand, panting heavily, but Cas seems determined to go on. The sounds grow louder as Dean looks desperately for tissues to clean his mess. He thanks his luck when he looks at the dressing-table and they are there, just waiting for him. That thought makes Dean wonder if Cas knew Dean would want to beat off after hearing his moans. And actually, that’s a _really_ probable possibility.

Dean hears Cas moaning one last time an pant heavily, making the teen bite his lips. He is already feeling himself hard again, but knows he won’t have time for another one, since Cas is already turning the shower off. Dean tries to think of some way to pretend he hadn’t been listening to his cousin and quickly takes his shirt off, throwing it beside his bag, laying down and pulling the sheets up, as if he was sleeping the whole time.

He closes his eyes when he hears Cas opening the bathroom door. The teen doesn’t hear more footsteps, and is completely sure that the blue-eyed is staring at him. “Are you sleeping, Dean?” Cas asks, pretending that nothing had happened. Dean remains quiet and Cas moves again, locking the door and lying beside the blonde, whose breath is constantly trying to give his sleeping disguise away.

The Winchester is supporting himself on his left side and, of course, Cas slides under the sheets, wrapping Dean’s stomach with his right arm and presses his cock against Dean’s ass. Dean feels that Cas’s only wearing boxers, and that…That’s just mean. He has to control himself _a lot_ not to grind against Cas’s crotch. The Novak breaths deeply on the teen’s neck, making him shiver.

Cas laughs in a low tone, happy enough that he got Dean to screw up his fake sleep. But Dean doesn’t turn to face him. No, he’s just too busy burying himself inside his own shame. Cas lets him go, turning to his back so his head’s pointing at the ceiling…Just as Dean’s cock would be if he was lying in the same position.

Yet, Dean doesn’t move even a muscle. He’s surprised, to say the least. Cas had never touched him; not this way, he means. Dean had never felt his cousin’s hardness against his body. And gosh, isn’t that the best feeling ever! He hates Cas even more now that he knows the blue-eyed also wants him. Because, for god’s sake, there’s no way of saying that moaning Dean’s name didn’t mean that.

Another thing that totally surprised Dean. It’s a fact that every year Dean heard Cas in the shower – it is part of his tradition –, but Dean’s name was never in the middle of the lustful sounds. Not until today, at least. So it’s understandable that the teenager takes a long while to fall asleep. And it’s also understandable that his dreams are filled with blue eyes and a jerk’s deep, rough, and sexy voice.

“I’d like to stand up, if you don’t mind.” That same voice is telling him when he wakes up in the next morning. Dean has to give himself a moment to understand what’s happening. His eyes slowly open to see the worst scene he can imagine. The green-eyed’s leg is between Cas’s and his hand is resting peacefully on his chest.

Dean isn’t able to move at all for a moment as he swallows hard, afraid of looking up to see two oceans staring down at him. Slowly, he moves his hand away, scratching his cousin’s chest accidentally. His leg takes a longer time to understand that’s not its place. “Sorry.” He apologizes when he’s already lying on his back.

“Don’t do this again, Dean, I’ll think you’re molesting me.” Dean bites his lips hearing the smirk on Cas’s voice, because he’s definitely not going to look at the blue-eyed now. He nods as Cas stands up and goes to his closet, making sure that Dean will see him walking around on his black boxers. Dean bites his lips harder, looking away.

“Are you going to cook this year again?” The teenager asks, surprising himself. He doesn’t know why or when the words decided to come out, but they are there, floating around the room as Cas puts his pants on, zipping it before answering.

“I do it every year, don’t I?”

The green-eyed nods at this, sitting on the bed and rubbing his eyes to avoid looking at Cas. He actually feels like licking his lips remembering the awesome taste of Cas’s culinary. “Why do you ask?”

Dean doesn’t know exactly how to answer that. He can’t even remember thinking about the question before it was surrounding them. “I like your food.” Is the only answer he can think of. The Winchester shrugs, looking at his cousin in time to see him sliding a red V-neck shirt in and groaning lightly because of the effort. Or maybe because he wants to tease Dean, the teen doesn’t know anymore.

“Thank you, it means a lot coming from you.” And those words make Dean feel like a monster. He had jerked off at him last night, and there Cas is, thanking him. The fact that Castiel is the one provoking Dean doesn’t make the green-eyed feel better at all. When did that started to happen? Dean sighs, standing up and going to look for a clean shirt on his bag, remembering the exact day that started.

The Winchesters had just arrived to spend Christmas with the Novaks, five years ago. Dean was excited to see Cas, since they were pretty damn close by the time and the whole year Dean had wondered what surprise Cas had prepared him. Every time they saw each other the blue-eyed had a new idea for them to have fun together. But when he got to the Novaks’, Ellen, Cas’s mother, said her son wouldn’t be there until the next day because he was at a sleep over at some friend’s house.

It’s still strange for Dean to think how much he got disappointed hearing that. His smile faded at the same time and he nodded. Ellen also told him Cas had asked her to tell Dean he wanted his cousin to sleep on his bedroom. Dean went upstairs, putting his things on Cas’s bed. He looked around, wondering what he could do until the next day.

Dean had started to masturbate that year and when he saw a magazine called Busty Asian Beauties hidden inside Cas’s opened school bag, he went straight to the bathroom with it. The problem was that Cas got home earlier and heard Dean jerking off to the magazine. When Dean got out of the bathroom and saw Cas staring at him differently, he swallowed hard, his still lusty thoughts finally realizing how amazingly blue Cas’s eyes were.

They kept staring at each other for a while until Cas got out of the bedroom quickly. Dean stood at the same position some more time before realizing that his cousin had heard him. After that, Cas started to provoke Dean from hour to hour, eating a hot dog slowly and closing his eyes, or asking the Winchester to help him with a stuck zipper, or even getting the chance to lightly bumping his leg against Dean’s cock when they hugged goodbye.

Cas puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder, bringing him back to the present. “Dean, are you okay?” he asks, pure worry on his voice and Dean realizes he had been staring at his bag for a while longer than he should. Pulling a black non-sleeve shirt, he nods, cleaning his throat.

“Yes, just thinking.”

“May I ask about what?” Dean had forgotten how much Cas actually cared about him. The teasing is always so present that Dean has to take a moment for his brain to adapt to the kindness.

“Christmas.” He says simply, moving away to slide the shirt in. Dean can hear Cas sighing as the Novak unlocks the door, opening it just after.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” And then Cas is gone, just like that.

Only after that Dean gets to realize how Cas’s voice sounded a bit more audible than usually. Dean rubs his hand on his face before following Cas. He is already out of Dean’s sight and the green-eyed decides to go back to the bedroom and sleeping until it is lunch time.

Dean only wakes up when his cell phone starts ringing and he lifts his head from the pillow, looking for it. “Hello?” he answers with a sleepy voice.

“Dean?” It’s Ruby’s voice on the other end of the line. She sounds a little happier than she should be and Dean sits on the bed, trying to pay more attention to it.

“Hey, Ruby, what’s up?”

“What do you mean what’s up? Aren’t you watching the game?”

And that’s why you have best friends, to wake you up when you’re supposed to be watching TV instead of sleeping. “The game!” he almost screams, looking for the remote and turning the TV on. Dean watches the whole game until its break still talking to Ruby, but when the commercials start appearing, they hang up.

Dean hesitantly goes to the window and looks to the pool. Fortunately – or not – Cas is not there. A little bit sad and relieved, Dean gets out of the bedroom and goes to the pool, biting his lips. Cas’s tradition should take place at any moment by now and Dean doesn’t know if he goes outside to get some fresh air or to be a part of it anymore.

That part of the tradition involves Cas swimming. And Dean loves to watch Cas swimming because he just gets so damn sexy. Completely forgetting about the guilty of desiring him, Dean remembers the first time he watched Cas swimming. He almost has an orgasm with that memory, feeling happy that his parents and Sam are out shopping ingredients for the supper, just like they did every year.

The teenager wonders if Cas decided to break his own tradition, leaving Dean sitting as a fool, waiting for him. But then Cas bumps against him, just like every year and Dean shivers. “Sorry.” He says with a smirk as the green-eyed feels his cock twitching only by hearing Cas’s voice again.

As his tradition says, Cas starts to slowly takes his shirt off, with his back turned to Dean as the teen gazes at his cousin’s perfectly drawn body lines. Cas slides his pants down, being sure to bend so Dean can have the best view of his ass. And then, just like that, Cas is only wearing his swim trunks. He stretches himself, moaning loudly because of the movement and Dean wonders how badly he would react if the Winchester tried to attack him. Probably he would just pull away, exactly how he did every single time Dean tried to do something. Cas’s tradition of teasing Dean until the teen thinks he’ll die, always ends up with Dean finally giving in, and when he’s about to kiss Cas, the older one pretends to be surprised, as if he hadn’t provoked Dean the whole damn holiday.

Dean bites his lips when Cas jumps on the pool, swimming underwater before coming back up and panting heavily. The green-eyed has to literally hold himself on the chair he’s sitting. Cas runs his tongue along his lips and his hand through his hair, making Dean’s heart beat faster and the blood go downstairs.

“You can join me if you please.” The blue-eyed says between strong breaths. Dean’s eyes widen a bit. Cas had never said that, he only likes to tease Dean. And the teen wonders for a minute if he should do it or not. He is wearing his swim trunks as well – of course he is, he always jumps on the pool to get rid of the hotness after Cas is done –, but he’s also aroused and really hard. So what?! Cas definitely knows that.

So Dean takes his clothes off, stopping himself at the edge of the pool when Cas raises his hand. “Wait.” The blue-eyed commands. And Dean gets even more turned on with that. Cas studies him, looking at the teen from his head to his toe before biting his lip and nodding, allowing Dean to go on. Before jumping in, Dean shivers, feeling like Cas owns him and the fact that it feels so good makes him bite his lower lip.

When Dean comes out of the water, Cas’s painfully close to him. His heart skips a beat as the man walks towards him, making the teenager step back, never moving his eyes away from Cas’s. The blue seems even more intense as Cas puts his hands on the edge of the pool, trapping Dean, who’s almost unable to breathe by now.

Castiel keeps staring at him for a while before moving his eyes to Dean’s lips, biting his own again. Dean swallows hard, panting heavily as Cas approaches him even more, stopping himself with his lips just an inch away from Dean’s. Although the green-eyed is desperate to move forward, he seems to be paralyzed. Cas then moves to Dean’s neck, breathing against it before licking. Dean simply can’t hold in the loud moan that escapes his lips instantaneously.

He can feel Cas shivering as his tongue runs along Dean’s jaw line. The Novak places a light kiss on the Winchester’s ear lobe before biting it hard. Dean winces, but it’s clearly an amazing feeling. Cas notices it, so he doesn’t pull back to see if he had actually hurt his cousin. Instead, he makes a track with his nose to Dean’s shoulder, sucking gently onto it.

The sensation’s so damn good that Dean has spasms running all over his body, groaning as he imagines Cas’s lips around his length. Dean tries to reach his cock, but Castiel holds his pulses, shaking his head. “Not yet.” Not _yet_. That simple and magic combination of words makes Dean’s cock twitches as a low moan escaped Cas’s mouth. Dean goes crazy, wanting more than anything to feel that man in every possible way.

Until this day, Dean never cared less about the game. He always got mad when he lost even a second, but from this day on, Dean Winchester doesn’t care about sports anymore. And believe him, it is a big deal. Cas approaches Dean even more, pressing their bodies together, the feeling so new that Dean’s eyes twist back.

Blue eyes stare inside of his again now, trapping him. Cas releases one of Dean’s hands, moving his own to the teens’ cheek, caressing it before the hand slides to the Winchester’s chest, scratching it ever so slightly. Dean wants to close his eyes to enjoy that even more, but Cas doesn’t allow it, and knowing that his cousin had total control over the situation provokes Dean a shiver.

Castiel smiles at the Winchester. It’s not a smirk, or a pervert smile, like he’s used to. No, this gesture’s gentle, kind…Loving even. And Dean doesn’t know how to join Cas, because he’s completely melt down. The blue-eyed kisses his forehead once before pulling away. Dean stares at him, almost whining to ask for more. But then he hears the front door opening on the other side of the house and understands.

Dean takes a while to be able to move again. He’s still lost inside Cas’s eyes, wanting so badly to have him back against himself that it actually hurts. It’s a strange kind of pain, one he’s never felt before. But then Cas ends the moment, getting out of the pool soaking wet and leaving Dean alone with his own thoughts.

The Winchester could’ve been as much confused as someone can imagine, but there’s no one he isn’t going to stare at Cas’s ass as the blue-eyed walks back to the house. Dean bites his lips. His cock’s still hard and he’s afraid someone will see it, since they knew his family is coming to the pool. He gets out as fast as possible, cursing Cas for not bringing him a towel.

It is easy to hear Cas’s voice from the kitchen, so Dean gets the chance to rush up to his bedroom and lock himself in the bathroom. He doesn’t even need some stupid magazine this time. Dean breathes heavily as he lowers his swim trunks slowly, scratching his own leg as he does so, imagining it’s actually Cas’s nails. The thought makes him shiver and he can already feel the pre come evading his length.

Dean caresses himself, remembering the feelings from when Cas kissed his ear lobe and he can’t stop a low and long moan from coming out of his lips. His breath fails him as he starts moving his hand around himself, shivering. “Cas…” the word comes out involuntarily, but it fits the situation perfectly. Dean thinks he never desired someone as much as he desired Castiel. The Winchester tries to bite his lips before another moan, louder than the first one makes its way out of him. “Oh yes, please, Cas.”

His own begging turns Dean on in ways he doesn’t think to be possible. The teen imagines Cas’s cock inside him and the lustfully amazing sounds the blue-eyed would emit just for him. Dean whines when the image of Castiel’s open mouth and closed eyes gets to him, and he knows he’s already close to release.

Dean’s body contorts itself, making him moan constantly, his legs shaking as he has to support his weight against the wall not to fall. The Winchester’s warm hand slides fast, making the right pressure and he feels his climax arriving. “Cas!” he moans one last time as he comes. Instantaneously, his eyes close, his head falling back and he has to take a moment before shaking his way to the toilet paper and cleaning his length and hands, washing them after and sliding his swim trunks up before opening the door.

And there is no reason why blue eyes wouldn’t be staring at him. Dean is actually almost expecting that. Still, that’s no reason to stop him from freezing after seeing Cas’s smirk. “It’s the second time I get you doing this, Dean Winchester.” The teenager keeps looking at Cas, swallowing hard. He is thinking of an answer when the blue-eyed pulls him by his waist and slightly scratches his back, whispering into his ear. “I don’t think I should be around you, since you clearly can’t control yourself.” The dominating tone Cas’s using makes Dean moan right away, his eyes closing as the other’s hot breath reaches him. “Or maybe you are the one who shouldn’t be around me.”

“C-Cas…” is all Dean’s able to whisper. Cas seems to like it, since he presses his lips softly against the teen’s neck, scratching it with his teeth just after. Dean shivers mortally, especially when Cas starts the sucking. The green-eyed thanks his luck for Cas being smart enough to close the bedroom’s door, because Dean knows that he won’t be able to bite his lips hard enough to stop the lusty sounds he’s making. “Cas, oh please, I want you so badly, please!”

“What do you want me to do, Dean?” Cas asks simply, not showing to be even a bit moved by Dean’s words. The older one trails the teen’s body lines with his fingers, pressing hard enough so it won’t tickle. So it’s very understandable that Dean doesn’t know how to answer it at first.

“Whatever you want.” He answers sincerely, his voice so low and needy that he barely recognizes it. But Cas isn’t impressed at all. He had probably been preparing himself for that moment for the whole year, because, as Dean said, Cas likes surprising him. And Dean simply can’t deny that he is loving those year’s surprises.

“You have to earn it, Dean.” Cas says with his deep voice as his nose contours Dean’s jaw line. The movement’s simple, but Cas somehow makes it look like the sexiest one ever. “You have to be a good boy, and behave yourself.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll do it, whatever it is, I’ll do it. Just touch me, Cas, I beg you.” Dean hears himself saying. And he actually means it. He doesn’t care what he’ll have to do to have Cas, he just so fucking desperately needs him. The green-eyed feels Cas’s smirk against his skin.

“I have my rules.” He starts, waiting for Dean’s consent and the teen quickly nods. “First, no touching yourself, unless I tell you to do so.” As he talks, Cas’s lips run around Dean, moving from his shoulder to his forehead and back again. “Second, I’ll always be in control of the situation. Third, we’re only finished when I say we are. Fourth, you’ll have to obey every single one of my orders, no hesitation. Fifth, I don’t mean to hurt you, so if I do and you don’t like it, don’t hesitate on telling me. And sixth, remember always that _I_ am the one who will be with you, and that I’m not doing it only for pleasure.”

Dean has to say, he got very confused at Cas’s last words. What does he mean with ‘not doing it only for pleasure?’ The teen finds his voice enough to ask him so. “You’re not?” Cas shakes his head at that, pulling away a bit so they can face each other.

“Dean, we’ve known each other since forever, the same blood that runs through my veins runs through yours and you know how much I worry and care about you. If I wanted only to have pleasure, I would pay some slut to spend the night and that’s it.” His voice sounds firm, but yet hesitant, as if he had been rehearsing this speech over and over before actually saying it.

“Then why are you doing this for?” Dean asks, allowing his curiosity to win.

Cas bites his lips, probably looking for the right words. “I’ve desired you, Dean, for five years now. Our age blank is big, though, and we are also family. You must understand why I pulled you away every time you tried something more serious such as what we’re having right now.” Only then Dean realizes that Cas’s hand is playing with his hair, sliding his fingers in and out of the teen’s locks.

“Why now?” Dean asks, trapped into Cas’s eyes, although the Novak’s looking away. He simply needs to know, but Cas sighs.

The blue-eyed takes a while to answer, busy caressing Dean’s waist with his free hand. “Because you weren’t coming.” Cas says and Dean can actually feel the point of sadness in his voice. Wait, he hadn’t lied? It wasn’t acting when the younger’s parents called him and after doing so they told Dean he was sad? “I wasn’t planning on doing any of these at all; not besides what I do every year, I mean. Anyway, I realized that if I waited any longer, you might not be coming back.”

Dean’s shocked. His words are stuck on his throat, not willing to come out. And he wants to kiss Cas so much that he actually thinks about trying, but the older one chuckles softly, realizing what Dean was thinking about doing. “Your parents are downstairs, but Gabe and Sam are running around the house, we aren’t safe by now.” Cas looks at his cell phone, which was placed on his jeans’ pockets. Dean connects the dots, finally getting to the conclusion that Cas had come to his bedroom to put some clothes, since he was just moments before only with his swim trunks…Which Dean’s still wearing. “I’ll allow you to be alone right now. Think about my rules, you have until the night to say if you agree with them or not.”

Cas is almost leaving the room when Dean suddenly shouts. “Wait!” He knows he sounded desperate, but for god’s sake, it was about having Cas! The blue-eyed turned to him. “I don’t have anything to think about. I agree with any rule you want to throw at me.” That was probably the longest sentence Dean had said ever since he arrived the day before. Cas smiles satisfied, nodding.

“Tonight, then.” And he leaves, as he said, allowing Dean to be alone. But Dean doesn’t want to be alone. He wants to be with Cas, now and forever. Still, he had promise to obey, so he just goes to his bag and picks some new clothes, going for a shower to wash his hair before putting them on.

The shower takes a little longer than Dean intended it to, because, fuck, he’s gonna have Cas tonight! The teen doesn’t touch himself, though. He wants to, because Cas’s proximity has left him hard – yes, again –, but he agreed to follow the rules. And you know what? He doesn’t care to admit that this is kind of a turn on.

When Dean assumes he’s ready to face Cas again, he leaves the bathroom, already fully clothed, with jeans pants and an orange, black and white squared shirt. He’s not exactly used to wear such pieces, but Cas gave him that one, so he’s sure it’s the best for the night. Actually, when he gives himself a complete look, he actually likes it. Another thing that takes a long time to do is choosing a good perfume. He wants Cas to like his smell and is afraid to choose the wrong one.

Frowning at himself for being so girly, he chooses the one Cas gave him last year. Looking back now, he does think Cas to wear those things, since all the gifts the blue eyes had given him over the years were of such kind. Maybe Cas had been preparing Dean for that night. The green-eyed shivers with that thought, loving how much Cas is always in control without letting him notice.

Putting a black sneaker on, Dean looks at himself on the mirror. He bites his lips, closes the top button of the shirt, opens it again, straighten his hair, messes it once more, turns around, shakes his legs, makes sure his zipper is up, runs the shirt’s sleeves up, gets them back down, takes his sneakers out, puts another one on, takes that one out too, puts the other back on and does it all over again.

Only when he realizes that he’s desperately nervous that he stops himself, moving away from the mirror and deciding to let things flow. It’s not like he’ll be dressed at the end of the night, so what difference does it make, right? Taking a really deep breath, he opens the door to run into Sam and Gabriel playing in the hallway. He chuckles at them, almost forgetting that Cas’s younger brother is back in the house.

“Hey there, Gabe!” he greets and the twelve-year-old turns to him, smiling.

“Dean!” Gabe hugs the green-eyed. “It’s been so long!” he says, and Dean hugs him back, pulling away after a while.

“It really has. How’s school?”

Gabriel hesitates and Dean knows the answer. “Not that good, but Sam promised to help me!” he says with a smile. Dean looks at his younger brother with a raised eyebrow.

“You did?” he’s genuinely curious, because they only came to the Novak’s house once a year, so how would Sam help Gabriel?

Sam nods with a bright smile. “Yes, I’ve already asked mom and dad to come here more often. It’s only a three-hour ride anyway.”

And just like that, Dean’s heart stops. Bringing Sam over means seeing Cas again, more than once a year. He’s trying to think of something to say when Mary appears and confirms Sam’s affirmation. “He really did. And your father’s calling Bobby to see if they can take Gabe to our house as well.”

Dean almost can’t breathe. His eyes are so widen that he thinks his mother will think he’s sick or something. “That’s…That’s awesome, really!” of course it is, seeing Cas is always awesome. “I mean, it’ll be awesome if you come, Sam will like that, right, bro?” he says, pretending that he’s not excited because Cas would be there too.

“Yes, Cas got really excited too.” Mary says and Dean almost curls himself, feeling his chest trying to swallow the rest of his body. He turns to his mother.

“He did?” the pitched tone his voice decides to use – because it isn’t awkward at all to think about having your cousin sexually when your mother’s around – makes him clean his throat.

Mary slightly laughs. “Yes, son, he did. It’s been a while since I’ve heard you that excited to see him.” Only then Dean notices that Sam and Gabe are gone, because he’s looking everywhere not to have to look at his mother.

“Yeah, hm, I guess we’re getting close again.” And Mary seems so happy with it that Dean feels the guilty once more falling all over him. Still, thinking about Cas’s blue eyes staring inside of his makes it all go away.

“I’m glad, really. I remember how you would wait impatiently to come here.” She says with a smile so sincere that Dean has to bite the inside of his cheek. He’s glad that his thing with Cas will be more like a ‘I want your body, here and now’ than like a ‘I want to love you and never leave your side.’ Because if the second was the real one, he had no idea of how to tell his mother that he was fucking his own cousin…Or…Maybe the other way around. Well, it doesn’t really matter.

Dean’s mother gives him a smile when he only nods. “        Come on, everybody’s downstairs and Cas is making the supper. Go see if he needs some help.” Mary suggests, already leading Dean to the kitchen. Dean can’t say he doesn’t want to do so, because, hell, he had been into that damn bedroom for an hour to get ready, but he hesitates on following his mother at first, remembering how sexy Cas looked when he cooked.

Mary notices that her son’s taking a while and raises an eyebrow. He finally decides to keep walking, climbing down the stairs faster than he wanted to. His mother goes to the living room with his father, Sam and Gabe and Dean has to swallow hard before going the opposite direction to get to the kitchen. And when he does, holly hell, Cas looks even sexier than Dean expected.

The blue-eyed’s body’s already sweaty because of the heat as he moves close to the oven, mixing, pouring and – god dammit – tasting. Cas puts a finger inside one of the pans and licks it slowly, sucking a bit with his eyes closed. The fucking bastard actually moans when the taste reaches him and Dean shivers so badly that it’s almost audible. “I thought you weren’t coming.” Cas says, turning his gaze to Dean and the teen has the desperate desire to kill him.

“You knew I was here?” Dean asks as if this is the brightest question ever and Cas can’t stop but smiling at him.

“Of course I did.” Is the only answer he gives Dean.

Biting his lips, Dean nods, approaching Cas a little. “You need any help?” he finally asks, but the Novak shakes his head, raising his arm – high enough so that his shirt goes up and his red boxers shows a little – to get  the salt and groans with the movement, obliging Dean to have no choice but stare at his ass.

Cas laughs in a low tone so that Dean’s the only one able to hear it and looks at the teen from above his shoulder. “Like the view?” Dean’s speechless, his lips so hard bitten he can feel the metallic taste of blood. Realizing that’s not a rhetorical question, he nods, afraid that if he talks, his voice will fail him. But Cas doesn’t care about that “Say it.” He orders.

“Yes.” Dean admits. Yes, being controlled is definitely a turn on. Cas smiles at the answer, turning his attention back to the cooking and running his hand along his forehead to clean the sweat, bending down to take a look at the turkey inside the oven. “I hate it when you tease me.” Dean says before he can stop the words.

For the teen’s surprise, Cas chuckles at this. “You don’t. Actually, you love it so much that you can’t even stay away from me for much long.” He says, winking at the Winchester, and Dean has to look away, because that affirmation couldn’t be truer. The green-eyed sits down on a chair close to Cas, turning it around so that he can support his arms on it and his chin on his arms. “That shirt looks good on you.” The Novak says, making Dean look at him.

“You gave it to me.” He says, unable to think of anything else.

Cas nods at this. “I know. I’m just not used to see you wearing anything but rock t-shirts or leather jackets.” He explains with a shrug. Dean bites his lips at the fact that he had just thought about that back in the bedroom.

“Thought you’d like to see me wearing it.” The Winchester says, watching the blue-eyed concentrated at doing his best. Cas is perfect in everything he does, but he insists on trying to be even better than he already is. And he surprises Dean every time he succeeds.

“I did. When I bought it, I never thought you’d use it.” Cas confess. Dean smiles weakly at this.

“I’d wear anything you gave me.” The teen says without hesitating. It’s true, if it came from Cas, Dean wouldn’t hesitate on using it.

The Novak smirks at the Winchester. “We’ll see it tonight.” Dean gets afraid of that for a moment. But then the moment’s gone and he’s desperate to know what Cas will do to him, the memory of his cousin’s lips almost touching his own coming back and making him shiver. Cas shakes his head. “You have to learn to have some patience, Dean Winchester.” He says, but it doesn’t help even a bit.

Actually, the fact that Cas said his whole name makes him shiver again. “You can teach me.” The teenager says, simply. He kind of regrets that after Cas looked at him with an almost insane and lustful expression.

“Oh, my dear, I’ll do much more than that.” And Dean can’t stop the whine coming from the back of his throat. His heart skips a beat as Cas slides his own finger inside another pan, over and over before offering it to Dean.

With a jump, Dean’s on his feet and he approaches Cas so desperately quickly that the blue-eyed smiles. Dean licks the tip of his cousin’s finger, whining in a low tone because of the fucking amazing taste of Cas’s food. He notices the flavor of cheese with the slight burn of a pour of pepper when he wraps his lips around the finger, holding Cas’s wrist so he can suck properly. Amazed, Cas pets Dean’s head with his free hand as the teen continues to move his lips, moaning softly.

Sooner than Dean wanted, Cas moves away. “Enough.” He says and Dean almost whines again. But then he remembers that his family’s in the living room just a few meters away. After that, he actually feels glad for Cas’s pulling away, because he had completely forgotten about that little fact and would just keep on sucking and moaning until the rest of his days; or until his mother would come to see what was happening.

A little shaken yet, Dean sits back on his chair and keeps looking at Cas with an expression that is pretty close to adoration. How is it possible that this incredibly handsome man wants _him_? Dean sighs to himself with that thought. He had never thought about that from this perspective. Cas _wants_ him. He wants Dean to please him, just as he wants to please Dean.

Before he will say ‘screw my parents, the libido is stronger’, Dean sends those thoughts away, concentrating himself in the moment. Not that it helps much, but it’s better than thinking about desiring. Cas looks at Dean with an eyebrow raised. “You’re looking differently at me.”

Dean hadn’t noticed it, but it’s probably true. “Differently how?” he asks, wanting to hear Cas’s deep and sexy voice. The guy doesn’t even have to make an effort to seduce Dean, for god’s sake!

“I don’t see desire only, there’s something more; something I can’t name.”

Devotion. That’s the word Cas should be looking for. Dean can’t wait to surrender himself completely to the Novak. Completely like in he would do anything – anything at all – that Cas would ask. If he asked him to sing, he would sing, if he asked him to drink iced tea – believe him, it’s a big deal, since the teen can’t hate it more –, he would drink iced tea, if he asked him to bite his own lips so hard that it would bleed, he would bite his lips so hard that it would bleed, if he asked him to never touch himself again, he would never touch himself again. Dean wants Cas. And when he says _Cas_ , he doesn’t mean only physically. He wants Cas’s body, he wants Cas’s voice, he wants Cas’s eyes, he wants Cas’s words, he wants everything that Cas will be willing to give him.

The only problem is that Dean doesn’t feel bad at all with this. For a start, he would never beg for someone to touch him. Yet, he had done it with Cas, and would do it again with no problems. Dean’s addicted, that’s the truth. The years of teasing and ruminating memories had nearly killed him, and now that he will finally have Cas, he wants everything to be perfect so he can relive it over and over until they see each other again.

Still, Dean doesn’t have the guts to say it out loud. He knows that Cas will have him to beg for something at night, but he can’t say that he is addicted to him, because he thinks this confession can end up everything. That thought makes Dean realize how much he’s afraid of losing Cas. Now that they started this, he can’t bare even thinking about Cas rejecting him, or saying it was just teasing.

It also makes him want to hold Cas and never let go. Breathing gets a little hard as he thinks that maybe Cas _is_ just teasing him. When the blue-eyed looks at him, an emotion that Dean knows to be worry is painted on his eyes. “Dean, what happened? Are you okay?” he asks, approaching the teen a bit.

Dean realizes that he has a terrified expression on his face and tries to change it, nodding slightly. “I’m…Yes.” But that doesn’t last long. “No. Cas, just answer me, no tricks, no games, did you actually mean it when you agreed with…This? With what we’re doing?”

Cas chuckles, shaking his head. “C’mon, Dean, I thought it was something serious.” He says with a playful smile. When Dean keeps staring at him, his smile turns soft, though. “Isn’t it obvious?” Cas approaches more the Winchester, his hand reaching the teen’s cheek as his thumb caresses it gently. “I would never say something that important if I didn’t mean it.” Dean bites his lips, unable to move his eyes as Cas sighs. ”Your worrying makes me feel bad about teasing and playing with you all the time.”

“I don’t want you to stop.” Dean says with a slightly trembled voice. “I just wanted to know if I wasn’t allowing my hopes to get too high.” He explains and Cas nods.

“I understand.” The black-haired moves back to the oven, mixing one of the pans as he speaks. “Still, don’t put much faith on me. I tend to disappoint people a lot.” Cas chuckles ironically before continuing. “You should know it better than anyone.” And Dean actually should, since for four years Cas had teased Dean until the edge and rejected him when the cards were set on the table.

Yet, Dean is already depositing all his faith on Cas. He knows now that the Novak won’t abandon him this time, and that’s all he needs. Dean looks at the living room, where everybody’s watching the night’s game and stands up once more, thinking that it probably won’t do much bad if he approaches Cas a bit. The Winchester looks down, taking Cas’s hand with his, and back at him to place a kind kiss on his cheek.

Cas shivers at the sudden movement, stopping doing everything else. “I know you won’t disappoint me this time, Cas.” Dean says sincerely and presses their hands together before letting the Novak’s go and sitting back on the chair. He sees Cas’s smile on the window in front of his cousin and his heart skips a beat. Cas’s smile is so damn melting! It’s like if a million emotions and words were said with only one movement.

“I appreciate your trust.” Cas admits, pouring something into one of the pans and Dean nods. There aren’t words to be said here. The Winchester keeps watching in silence as his cousin works, wanting everything to be perfect, as always. After a while, Cas turns all of the buttons from the oven except for one and the food’s ready. The unturned button is the most important one, Dean notices; it’s the one from the turkey.

The teen’s mouth gets watery as he remembers its taste and now he can’t wait until it’s ready. Cas pulls a chair and sits by Dean’s side, looking at the clock at the other side of the kitchen. He rests his hand on the green-eyed’s leg, caressing it ever so slightly, always paying attention to their families on the other room. Dean approaches Cas even more, wanting to close every single distance and supports his head on the Novak’s shoulder, sighing silently.

Biting his lips, Cas pulls away a bit. “You’re playing with fire.” He warns, still looking at the living room. Dean only shrugs, deciding that it’s more important to be around Cas than to worry about their families. The older one laughs lightly at this, cracking his neck and kissing Dean’s head. “If they find out, I don’t think I’ll be seeing you again.”

Worried that it might be true, Dean nods, pulling away too. “Fine.” The teen agrees and looks at Cas. “My mom said Sam’s gonna help Gabe over at our house.” He says as if it was nothing. “I wonder if you’ll be coming too.” The words leave his mouth before he can stop them.

“Yes, Gabriel told me.” Cas says, ignoring the last part at first. “And, if I don’t have classes in the day, I was planning on offering myself to drive him there.”

Dean can’t stop the smile pulling his lips up. “I’d like that.” He says, his voice completely showing his excitement.

Cas chuckles at this, looking at the Winchester with amazingly blue eyes. “You amaze me, Dean Winchester.” The Novak says with a soft smile.

“I do?” Dean asks brilliantly.

The other nods. “You do. Your…How will I say it? Adoration, I guess, before me, to be more specific.”

Yes, Cas had finally find the word. It’s Dean’s turn to chuckle as he loses himself inside the oceans of Cas’s eyes. “That’s the price you pay for being so perfect.” Dean says and the black-haired looks away for a moment.

“You hold me way too high.” He finally says with a sigh.

“Maybe.” The teenager admits. “Still, I don’t think I’m wrong on doing so. After all, I’m just putting on words what I see.”

Cas bites his lips hardly. “Thank you.” He whispers as a bell rings. The blue-eyed presses Dean’s leg once before standing up and going to the oven. “Tell the others that I’ll serve dinner in no more than five minutes.”

Dean nods at this and goes to the leaving room, no hesitation shown. He can see how much Cas likes that and laughs to himself. The game is at its end when he gets to their families, and their team is the winner. Looks like it’s going to be the best Christmas Eve ever! No, that wasn’t enough. Not only Christmas Eve will be awesome, but also the part after that. The part Dean’s dying to come. Cleaning his throat, he finally talks to the people before him. “Dinner’s almost ready”, he announces.

Mary doesn’t waste time and stands up, going to the kitchen. “Sam, Gabe, help me set the table, please.” She asks with her soft voice that no one’s able to say know. The kids follow her, sighing and Dean sits by his father side. John’s still concentrated on the TV, looking for something to watch. Lots of Christmas Specials are on, something Dean knows his father hates to watch, so the older one growls at the TV.

“It’s not because it’s Christmas that I can’t watch a movie or something like that”, he complains as Dean sighs, previewing more whining to come. The blonde teenager is definitely not in the mood for that. Hell, he’s about to eat Cas’s food and have the best night of his life, why, for god’s sake, does he have to stand his father’s whining?

John laughs at Dean and the younger one frowns, confused. “Don’t worry, son, I know how much you hate it when we talk about useless problems” John says and Dean opens his eyes wildly, wondering how his father knows that. The black-haired, though, only smiles. “I know much more about you than you think, Dean.”

It’s probably true. John and Dean don’t spend much time together, since the older one has to work almost the whole day at his car office, Winchester Auto. Still, when Dean was little, he used to stay with his father a lot. Perhaps their connection isn’t all lost. “I miss it when we used to stay some time together”, Dean admits and his father smiles, nodding.

“I do too, son. Perhaps during your vacation you could come with me to the office.”

Dean smiles back at him. “Yes, that would be nice.” They watch The Avengers as they wait and the teen really likes being close to his father for a little while. His mother soon comes to say dinner’s served and Dean stands up quickly, hungry as hell. The Winchesters and Gabriel sit at the table as Cas brings the turkey. Dean’s mouth gets so watery he thinks he can actually drew.

Only when Cas sits down that Dean realizes the only empty chair was the one by his side. Biting his lips because he knows Cas will do something – although he doesn’t know what it is yet –, Dean waits for his mother to cut the first slice of turkey, just as she did every year. The towel on the table covers most of Dean’s legs and he feels incredibly glad for it when Cas rests his hand there. No one can see it, and they are yet still in danger. The teen doesn’t take long to realize that this is his cousin’s favorite situation.

Cas keeps sliding his hand along Dean’s leg, up and down as they eat. It’s obvious that Dean likes it, but he’s deadly afraid that someone will notice it. He bites his lips strongly, wincing loudly because of the pain the action provokes him, when Cas slides his hand to Dean’s cock. “Dean, are you okay?” the son of a bitch asks as if he doesn’t know it pretty well.

“I’m fine.” Dean replies between a hard breath. The problem now is that Cas’s hand is still there, scratching and caressing it lightly. Dean almost whines, but he manages to keep the sound in, putting as much food as he can inside his mouth, trying to stop the moans that are desperate to come out.

And, of course, he can’t ask Cas to stop this, because, come on, both of their families are sitting in front of them, and also, what would he say? ‘Hey, Cas, can you leave my cock alone so I can eat your food peacefully?’ Could be a good question, but there is definitely no place to do that. So he just keeps shaking his leg, knowing how much the blue-eyed is enjoying making him suffer.

Dean’s parents throw some glances at their son sometimes, probably wondering why he’s quite and with a painful expression. But they don’t ask anything, and Dean can’t even try to explain how much relieve that brings him. The teen’s probably managing to keep the situation more under control than Cas expected – it’s kind of easy to do that, after all, Cas’s food is wonderful –, since the man’s hand is now grabbing Dean. The green-eyed gasps, almost spitting the food back to the plate.

“Are you sure you are okay?” Cas asks with the most playful sparkle in his eyes. Dean almost punches him, but that would mean his parents would make him stand up and go to his room, and his way too hard to even think about standing up.

Crossing his legs, he looks back at his cousin. “Yes, Cas. I’m perfectly fine.” And Cas smiles. Of course he smiles. And of course Dean’s crossing his legs doesn’t stop the blue-eyed for even a second. He takes his hand out of the teen’s cock, but moves it to his thigh, thrusting his nails in. Dean closes his eyes and his head trembles with the effort he’s making not to scream. The nails start moving along Dean’s leg, drawing something.

Dean realizes Cas is trying to send him a message by writing it on his leg. ‘Ask to go to the bathroom’. The green-eyed looks at him with a nearly terrified expression. He takes a while to obey and Cas’s nails are moving again. ‘Rule number four: no hesitation.’ Dean swallows hard before settling the cutlery on his plate and cleaning his throat.

“Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” His voice even shakes a bit as he stands up and turns himself as fast as possible to the toilet’s direction, trying his best not to let people see his hardness. Cas’s got to have the best night ever prepared, because if he doesn’t, Dean won’t hesitate on kicking that pretty damn ass.

He enters the bathroom and closes the door, looking at his image in the mirror so that time will pass faster, since he knows Cas only wanted to embarrass him. After two or three minutes, he leaves and goes to the table again, sitting in his chair not before giving Cas the most deadly look he can. But the blue-eyed pretends he didn’t even notice Dean’s leaving.

After they’re almost finished, Cas cleans his mouth with a napkin and raises his glass. “I want to propose a toast.” He says, waiting for everybody to raise their glasses too before continuing. “To Mary, for being always so lovely, to John, for never complaining on driving here every single year, to Sam, for being the first in his class, to Gabe, for being the best brother anyone could have, and finally, to Dean, for being such an understanding cousin and never complaining about my need of sleeping close to somebody.”

Dean looks at their families, waiting for one of them to find that disgusting, or even forbidding him to sleep with Cas, but all they do is just laugh. He drinks his wine – the only occasions his parents allow him to drink are Christmas and New Year’s Eve because of the toasts –, wanting to raise a toast to Cas for being the biggest sexy son of a bitch ever.

Instead, he keeps quite, biting his lips lightly as Cas stands up. “I’m gonna bring the deserts, if you don’t mind.” They nod and Cas looks at Dean. “Would you do me the favor of helping me?” He asks with a smile. Dean wants to say know, but he also doesn’t want to be rude.

Cleaning his throat, the teen stands up. “Sure.” He follows Cas into the kitchen, scratching his own neck lightly, nervous. The blue-eyed opens the fridge and takes out his famous pudding, settling it on the table. Dean feels his mouth watering, but the best is still to come. Cas opens the oven and takes the most succulent cherry pie ever out.

He smiles when he sees Dean unconsciously leaning forward the dish. “I remembered how much you liked it when I did it three years ago. I’m sorry for taking so long to do it again, but, as you already know, I wanted to tease, not please you.” Cas says with a slight raise of eyebrow. Dean nods at this, unable to talk, what makes the other one laugh.

Dean’s reaching for the pie, with the intention to take it to the table, but Cas takes his hand, pulling him away from their families’ sight. It’s easy to hear their voices, laughing and talking on the other room as Cas pulls Dean to outside. They get out through the back door and stop in front of a window with white curtains. Although they’re a little thick, Dean can see Mary’s hair as he realizes the window’s the one with the view to the dining table.

“Isn’t it wonderful how they can see us if they want, but will never think about looking over here?” Cas asks with an actually amazed tone. Dean frowns at him, thanking the gods for allowing Mary and John to be the ones with their backs to the window when Cas lets his nail slide along Dean’s arm. The teen shivers and the Novak puts his hand on the Winchester’s pocket, pulling him closer.

The green-eyed bites his lips, always looking to the window as Cas bites his ear lobe. “Stop it.” Dean asks when his eyes close. But, obviously, Cas pretends he didn’t hear him, allowing his mouth to make a track of slight kisses on Dean’s neck. “C-Cas, please. They’ll see us.”

“So?” is the only answer Dean gets. The teen’s libido speaks louder than his brain and he turns himself to his cousin, trying to pull him to his lips. Cas pushes him away, looking serious. “It’s the second of my rules you disobey within minutes, Winchester.”

Dean freezes, realizing he’s trying to take the control over Cas’s hands. He thinks of a way of apologizing, but comes up with a simple “I’m sorry.” Cas keeps looking at him for a while and goes back to the house. “Shit!” The teen curses in a low tone, following Cas. They go back quietly as Dean realizes he got Cas upset. He bites his lips, sitting at the table on his original place when the dishes are served.

The fact is, though, that Dean’s generally wrong. He notices that when Cas slides his hand inside Dean’s pants. Oh god. Dean stops, his brain trying to restart as he feels fingers walking around his groin, making him so hard that it’s actually painful. He tries to eat his desert when everybody does the same, but the pie’s flavor makes things even worse. Although Cas is not even touching his cock, Dean feels himself close to the orgasm.

Trying desperately to think about something else, Dean looks at his parents. “So, mom, dad, do you have any plans for the night?” Cas definitely didn’t like Dean’s trial, since his fingers are now pressing more lightly against the teen’s skin, making him shiver and bite the inside of his cheek.

“We’re taking the kids to the center of the city to wait for midnight.” Mary replies. “Do you want to go, Cas?” she asks with a soft smile.

Castiel looks at her, his expression serene, as if his hand wasn’t inside her son’s pants. “I’d love to, but I promised Dean I’d watch the second night game with him.” He says with a fake sad tone. Dean glances at him, still trying to get his blood to go back to his brain. With a simple sentence, Cas had arranged the house only for the two of them. The center of the city’s far, like, one hour far, so they will have like three or four ours alone.

“Why don’t you come too, Dean?” And with those simple words from his mother, Dean’s dreams of finally having Cas are over.

The teen’s almost answering that he’ll go when he hears his father’s voice. “Come on, Mary, let the boy watch the game.” Dean almost kisses his father’s feet, but decides it’s not a good idea. Mary shrugs as they finish eating. When everybody is done, they stand up and is now ten thirty p.m. “Let’s go, kids, before we lose the best part!” John says as if he’s one of the kids as well.

The Winchester and Gabriel almost run to the car and Dean watches them leave, with Cas by his side. The green-eyed’s heart is beating so fast that he thinks maybe Cas should take him to a hospital. Instead, they go inside and the Novak goes to the kitchen. Dean doesn’t know if he should follow him, but he does it anyway. Cas is washing the dishes when the teen arrives, what makes him frown. “Cas, what are you doing?”

Looking at him from above his shoulders, Cas shrugs. “Washing the dishes, obviously.” Dean scratches his head, trying to understand why.

“But we’re alone…” he says, getting Cas’s laugh as a reply.

“I know we are, but I want everything to be clean first.” The teen is about to ask why when the blue-eyed sighs. “Dean, be smart. The game doesn’t start until an hour from now, they have to think we’ve done something.” He explains. “I mean, besides ruining my sheets.”

Dean nods at this, thinking that it actually makes sense. “Do you want some help?”

“The sooner I finish, the sooner we get to the good part.” And with those words, Dean’s already getting a flannel to help his cousin. Cas chuckles, shaking his head. “So desperate…”

The green-eyed looks at him, raising an eyebrow. “Five years, Cas. Five years.” Yes, Cas was a really stupid son of a bitch for keeping Dean waiting, but it doesn’t matter, because when Dean realizes his words upset his cousin, he feels terrible. Dean puts the flannel aside and wraps his arms around Cas’s waist, resting his head on the other’s shoulder. “Please, don’t be sad.” He asks with the most pleading tone he’s ever used.

Cas sighs, his head leaning back a little so that he can place a gentle kiss on Dean’s forehead. “Our age difference was too big, Dean. Try imagining yourself with a thirteen-year-old boy.” Dean obeys and Cas is right, it would be totally awkward. They stay like that for a while, and Dean can’t ask for anything else. Cas even closes his eyes when the teen pulls him a little closer. “Let me finish this, I want to enjoy these hours as much as possible.”

Reluctantly, Dean goes back to drying the dishes. They both stay quiet for the next ten minutes, only glancing at each other with the corner of their eyes. And finally, it hits Dean. He’s gonna have Cas in a few minutes. The shock of this thought coming to his mind is so intense that he almost lets the plate he’s holding fall to the ground. Five more minutes pass and they are finally finished.

At first, none of them do anything. And then, just like that, Cas is so close that Dean can barely breath. He just stays there, staring inside Dean’s eyes. Their breaths grow faster as the teen wonders what his cousin has in mind. “Go to the bedroom and wait for me.” Cas says before turning his back to the Dean and walking away. The Winchester takes a while to move again, but when he does, he runs as fast as he can, sitting on the bed when he enters the bedroom.

Cas doesn’t take long to appear with a bottle of Chantilly and another one of wine, two glasses also. Dean tilts his head slightly to the side, but Cas only smiles. “We’ll get to it later.” He puts the bottle on his dressing-table and approaches Dean, stopping when the teen has to throw his head back to see the Novak’s eyes. “Now, Dean, I want you to tell me what you want me to do with you.”

Dean gets a little surprised with the question and the dominating tone Cas’s using again. Not that he doesn’t like it, actually, he loves it, but it always stops his brain for a while. “I…I want you to touch me.” He replies.

But Cas is not satisfied. “Where, Dean? Where do you want me to touch you?”

The green-eyed swallows, his heart beating even faster. “Everywhere.” He whispers and Cas probably thinks it’s enough, since he’s putting his knees by Dean’s sides, trapping him without sitting on his lap. Dean wants to pull him, but he waits, not that patiently, remembering Cas’s got the control. The blue-eyed bites his lips at the teen’s needy expression and sits.

He didn’t even had to do this to realize how much Dean’s hard, but that fact doesn’t stop him from teasing the Winchester even more. “Already so stiff, Winchester?” Cas says, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and starting to move slowly against Dean’s cock. The teen gasps, moaning in a low tone, and slightly closing his eyes.

Cas stops moving, and when Dean opens his eyes to ask why, the Novak is looking at them, staring inside the Winchester’s soul. Dean easily loses himself inside their blueness, wondering how they can be so beautiful. He’s so into the moment that he doesn’t realize at first that Cas is approaching him. The green-eyed stay motionless, watching his cousin’s mouth getting closer and closer.

When their lips encounter for the first time, Dean forgets his own name. Cas leans against him, making Dean lay on the bed. The Winchester’s hands move to the blue-eyed’s waist, holding it carefully as their mouths move slowly together. Cas rests his hands on Dean’s face, rubbing his cheeks lightly. Dean never thought Cas would be so gentle with him, but he can’t say he doesn’t like it.

It’s a whole new world of sensations when Cas makes the teen open his mouth, sliding his tongue inside its warmth. Dean groans with the back of his throat, invading Cas’s mouth as well. The green-eyed’s tongue explores his cousin’s mouth, unable to believe the amazing feeling that takes over him when Cas moans.

Dean thinks he can kiss this man forever. He doesn’t care anymore if his parents will see them, or if Cas teased him for five years. No, about now Dean only wants to compensate the lost time. And he can’t explain how happy he is when he slides his hands inside Cas’s shirt and the blue-eyed smiles against his lips. Dean shivers, starting to move his mouth a little faster. Cas leads one of his hands to Dean’s hair, grabbing a little onto it. The teen bites the blue-eyed’s lower lip, pulling it toward him.

Wanting everything Cas has to offer him, Dean tries to take Cas’s shirt out, but the other one doesn’t allow him, pulling away just enough so they can see each other and shaking his head. “You didn’t follow my rules, Dean.”

“And what does that mean?” He asks between breaths.

Cas stands up, running his hand through his own hair. “It means that you won’t surrender yourself to me today.”

Dean’s confused in the first moment, but when he realizes that this means they won’t have sex today, he whines, sitting on the bed and looking at Castiel. “Come on, Cas! Five years!”

But Cas only shakes his head again. “You agreed with my rules and yet you disobeyed them.” Cas turns those amazingly blue eyes to Dean, smiling and taking his belt out. “Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.”

Dean feels his mouth watering as Cas approaches the bed again, opening his zipper. The teen kneels himself, wanting desperately to wrap his lips around Cas’s length. Cas stops when his pants are on the ground and grabs Dean’s hair, pulling his head back. “Will you follow my rules from now on?”

The pain Dean’s feeling definitely can’t be compared to the pleasure. He nods his head quickly, but Cas keeps looking at him, wanting to hear him say it. “Yes, always, everything, anything!” he says, his libido almost killing him.

Cas smiles, his fingers now running through Dean’s hair instead of grabbing it. “That’s my good boy.” When Cas licks his lips, Dean can’t hold it anymore. He reaches Cas’s boxers and slides them down, breathing heavily when the blue-eyed’s length appears. Dean wraps it with his hands, his eyes closing when he places a soft kiss on its tip and feels Cas shivering.

The Winchester licks it from top to bottom, slowly, feeling the amazing taste of lust. And you know what? It’s better than pie! Dean swallows it all at once, not caring if it’s the first time he does a blowjob and he might not be able to take it. It’s a little hard in the beginning, but he soon gets used to it, especially because he loves the way Cas holds his head, biting his lips.

Dean starts moving back and forth, feeling Cas’s hips join him. The teen presses his lips strongly, his tongue sometimes bumping against the top of the blue-eyed’s cock. Cas moans loudly when he does that, so Dean decides to do it more times. And in every single one of them he takes a different lustful sound out of the back of his cousin’s throat.

Cas pulls away when Dean moves faster, and the teen keeps looking at him, wanting to have more. “That’s enough.” The Novak says between breaths and Dean nods, knowing he has to obey. Cas approaches him again, sealing their lips together and reaching his hands to Dean’s belt, taking it out. He pulls away from the kiss and looks at the Winchester. “Touch yourself for me, Dean.”

Although the green-eyed finds that request odd, he opens his zipper, going to the back of the bed so that Cas will have a place to sit. The blue-eyed’s so deeply concentrated on Dean’s hands that he bites his lips. Dean slides his pants down, scratching his own legs when he does so and moves to his boxers, doing the same movement again.

Gently, Dean caresses his cock, moaning in a low tone and already seeing the pre-cum take place because of his sucking Cas. The Novak watches as the Winchester moves his hand around his length. Dean breaths hardly when he starts stroking himself, sucking into his own lips. “Cas…” he moans without noticing.

Cas’s eyes sparkle with that and he starts to touch himself as well, copying Dean’s movements. The teen moves his hips up and down, fucking his hand so hard that he can feel the sweat starting to appear. He loses his breath when he sees Cas is also stroking himself. “Yes…!”

They moan together and Dean feels all his muscles contracting themselves. “D-Dean…” he hears Cas saying. And the tone is so _pleading_.

“Fuck, Cas!” he groans loudly, stroking himself as hard as possible. Dean feels his orgasm coming and opens his eyes to see Cas as the liquid jerks off of his cock. He cries out and Cas comes too, soaking the sheets. They gasp for air, looking at each other and the Novak attacks the Winchester, kissing his lips furiously.

Dean doesn’t even have to think, he kisses Cas back with deadly desperation, grabbing into his shirt and pulling him even closer. Cas pulls his hair so strongly that he winces. It’s a good kind of pain, though, and Dean loves how much Cas wants him at this moment.

Their mouths are now moving together, already used to each other, as if they were born to meet. Cas moves his lips to Dean’s neck, licking it before sucking and biting hard enough so that blood will come out. Dean screams with pain and pleasure, not even a bit worried if he’ll have to hide the hickey from his parents in the next morning. Maybe he can tell them that a hot girl passed by. He doesn’t care actually.

He only cares for the fact that Cas’s lips are on him, sucking perfectly. Dean’s sure that Cas can make the best blowjob ever if he tries. The Winchester shivers with the thought and wraps his arms around Cas’s neck, feeling himself getting hard once more. The Novak smiles against Dean’s skin when he notices that as well.

“I want you so badly…” Dean hears his voice saying.

Nothing but the truth, though. It’s actually pretty easy to see how much he wants Cas to be with him, to please him, and how much he wants to please Cas. The blue-eyed licks Dean’s jaw line, making the teen shiver, before sealing their lips softly. “I want you too, my Dean.”

And just like that, Dean turns into butter. Cas being so possessive over him, makes him want to give him his soul as a Christmas gift. Dean realizes Cas is actually surprised with his own words, looking at the teen. Green eyes meet blue ones and Dean caresses Cas’s cheek with the back of his hand, getting to his chin and pulling him closer.

Dean kisses him passionately, saying without words that it’s okay to call him this way, that he likes hearing it. Cas gets the message and moves his mouth against Dean’s, losing himself into the wonder of the moment. None of them want this to stop; they only want to be together, feeling each other. And who says this needs to stop? Dean doesn’t care anymore about the fact that Cas is actually his cousin. No, these feelings would never stop. Not even if Dean wanted them to.

The fact is, though, that Dean doesn’t want it. He never felt so alive like when Cas’s hands are moving around his body. Suddenly, they are moving against each other once more, but this time, the movement is different. For one, it’s slower, and although the lust is still there, it’s not that intense anymore. They’ve had their relieves and now they only want to hold onto each other.

Cas starts taking Dean’s shirt off and the green-eyed helps him by raising his arms, never allowing his lips to move away from Cas’s more than necessary. Dean holds the blue-eyed’s face with both of his hands, holding him in place. The Novak runs his right hand kindly through Dean’s hair, wanting to feel all of him.

His hand slides along the teen’s back, caressing it ever so slightly. Dean takes Cas’s shirt off as well, getting the chance to lightly scratch the sides of the Novak’s body. Cas shivers under his touch and Dean can’t stop the moan that escapes his mouth because of that. The Winchester gets Cas by his arms and makes him wraps his legs around the teen’s waist.

Dean’s kind of surprised with how Cas can’t care less about the teen’s taking the control. That doesn’t last long, since, even though they are still in the same position, Cas is the one dominating the way their mouths move. Dean likes that, he prefers it when Cas is controlling the situation, since he’s still a little shy.

Cas holds Dean by his shoulders, massaging them slightly. He starts rubbing his cock against Dean’s and the teen arches his back in the Novak’s direction. Cas doesn’t seem pleased with it, though. “Rules, Dean.” He says trying to recover his breath. Dean nods, trying to hold himself down and Cas moves again.

The feeling in Dean’s chest is the best thing he’s ever felt. It’s like if it’s trying to swallow the rest of the teen’s body, contracting itself and making him lose his breath. Cas realizes how much the Winchester likes it and makes more pressure, biting his own lips as the indescribable pleasure of feeling Dean’s body against his own reaches him.

Dean moans with the back of his throat, wanting to reach their lengths and stroke them together. Cas was clear, though. So the teen just enjoys the ocean of fresh new emotions reaching him. Cas’s hands press his shoulders stronger, even thrusting his nails in a little and Dean groans, kissing Cas’s neck softly.

The blue-eyed tilts his head back, giving Dean more room to work with as his movements grow rougher. Dean can’t help but moving his hips in the same rhythm as Cas’s, sucking lightly into the Novak’s neck. His mind is so completely engaged to what he’s doing that he doesn’t even realize when he comes again, this time against Cas’s stomach.

Slightly, Cas chuckles at this. “You have to learn to hold that in a little longer.” He says, his eyes twisting back a little.

Dean shakes his head though, sitting Cas on the bed and gasping for air. “I don’t, because if I do, I don’t get to do that.” And then Dean’s once more sucking Cas’s length. The Novak whines, holding the sheets as the Winchester’s mouth moves around him as if he did this his whole life. Dean can’t wish more than pleasing his cousin, because the way Cas holds the teen’s hair is just wonderful.

The man thrusts his cock into the green-eyed’s mouth, who is sliding his mouth deeper and deeper. Cas tries to move away and Dean realizes he’s going to come. The Winchester, though, holds Cas’s hips, keeping him in place. He wants to feel everything his cousin has to give him, and that isn’t different at all. Cas gets the message and starts moving faster.

He moans loudly one last time and releases on Dean’s mouth, breathing hardly. Dean takes it all, swallowing every last drop. The teen licks his lips, cracking his neck and looking at the man with his head down in front of him. “You okay?” he asks in a soft tone.

Cas nods, raising his head and meeting his blue eyes with Dean’s green ones. “Wonderful.” He answers with a smile. The Novak approaches the Winchester lazily, sealing their lips together. Dean replies the smile within the kiss, closing his eyes because of the amazing feeling that takes over him every time Cas gets closer. The teen falls to his back as Cas pulls away. His brain is still trying to understand what has just happened, what gets even tougher to do when the blue-eyed lies beside him, passing his arm under Dean’s head like a pillow.

Dean draws Cas’s chest lines, still numb because of the second orgasm of the night. He looks at the clock and is now eleven fifty-five. Cas tries to stand up, but Dean wraps his arm around his waist, stopping him from doing so. “Really, you want to wait for midnight like this?”

The Winchester shrugs, his head resting on the Novak’s chest. “Couldn’t ask for more.” He replies, making Cas laugh and kiss the top of his head as his hand slides itself through Dean’s hair. The teen sighs happily, closing his eyes. He’s not exactly used to have sex – he barely has time for it –, and coming twice in the same night took all of his strength away.

“Come on, Dean, I want to toast,” Cas says, trying to convince him. Dean growls and rolls until his stomach’s facing upwards. The Novak smiles and stands up, getting the bottle of wine and the two glasses before sitting on his feet and looking at the Winchester. “Stop being so lazy, it’s not like we’re not going to have sex again before our families come back.”

And just like that Dean’s eyes open wildly. Have sex _again_?! Not that he doesn’t want it – far from it – but hell, he’s not sure if he’ll be able to live to tell the story. “Cas, we’ve had sex twice!” Dean tries to argue, sitting down.

But Cas only shrugs, as if this is as normal as going to the movies. “I thought you’d want it.” The problem? The green-eyed can actually hear the point of sadness in his tone. Goddammit, that wasn’t the teen’s intention _at all_.

Slowly, Dean crawls on his hands and approaches Cas, kissing his lips briefly before looking inside his eyes. “You have to understand that I’m not used to this, Cas, I don’t have lots of practice as you probably do.” Another problem comes with that sentence. Dean starts to imagine with how many guys Cas’s had sex. And he can’t help the point of jealousy that invades him.

Cas, though, is only raising an eyebrow, putting the empty glasses on the bed and opening the bottle. “You make me look like a whore, Dean.” It’s obvious that he didn’t miss Dean’s jealous, since the next thing the Novak does is stealing a breath-taking kiss from the teen’s lips. “Don’t think about that now. It’s only you and me tonight, okay?”

Takes a while, but Dean finally nods and holds the glasses so Cas can fill them up. By the time he puts the bottle back in its place and gets his glass from Dean’s hand, the fireworks start to blow outside. They raise the glasses and Cas smiles. “To tonight. That it may last longer than twelve hours.”

Dean smiles back at him and clinks their glasses, drinking it all at once, what makes Cas frowns. “I didn’t know you were a drinker,” he says slowly. The teen only fills his glass once more.

“There are lots of things you don’t know about me, Cas.” Something in his tone makes him bite his lips, but at the time he raises his eyes to see Cas’s reaction, the son of a bitch’s smirking.

“Really?” the Novak asks, circling his finger around the glass’s edge before taking a dram. He leans in to lick the shell of Dean’s ear and whisper on it. “Why don’t you tell me, then?”

The blonde shivers so badly that he actually thinks he’ll have a spasm. Because, fuck, there’s been five years since he wanted that guy and now there he is, _licking Dean’s ear_. “I hm…I’m bi,” he says, because, honestly, it’s the first thing that comes to his mind, because Cas is _licking Dean’s ear_.

With a chuckle, the Novak nipped at the end of it, nosing the teen’s neck just after. “That much I’ve noticed, Dean,” Cas assures by whispering on his ear. If it was another year, Dean would be sure Cas was drunk. Yet, he knows his cousin is not. He knows because he knows Cas way too much to notice the slightly different tone he uses under the effects of drinks. His voice always gets a little high-pitched – such a small difference that not many will be able to notice. But Dean does. He notices – and probably knows – everything about Cas.

“Tell me something about you,” the blue-eyed interrupts him. Only then Dean realizes the man is now lying on the teen’s chest, chin supported on both of his hands as his gaze wonders around Dean’s face, probably counting the freckles, like he used to do when they were younger. “Something you haven’t told anybody.”

Dean frowns, because, really, what kind of question is this? But then he bites his lips and scratches the back of his head. Well, the only two things that are secrets on his life are his sexuality and Cas. It takes a while, Cas never leaving his face, waiting patiently, but Dean finally remembers something. “When we were younger,” he starts and Cas’s eyes meet his only to be averted because Dean definitely can’t look at him as he confesses that. “You were sometimes with your friends when I arrived here for Christmas.” The Winchester bites his lips and Cas runs his nail along the green-eyed’s arm, encouraging him. He takes a deep breath. Hell, saying that is a lot more difficult than he thought it would be. “So Ellen sent me to your room and I kept quiet for a while. But when you didn’t get home at night, I slept with your pillow because it smelled – still smells – like you.”

Holly fuck, why the hell did he say that? Dean blushes as much as he thinks he can and Cas chuckles, his whole body vibrating with the sound. The teen doesn’t look at him, though, yet too embarrassed. “I know,” he breathes and Dean meets his gaze, frowning.

“What?” he asks confused. What does Cas mean with ‘I know’? He knows Dean used to sleep with his pillow?

The blue-eyed nods, half smiling. “I do, because when I got home in the next day, you were still lying in my bed, hugging my pillow as if it would run away if you didn’t hold it properly.” Dean chews on the inside of his cheek. Well, congratulations, Winchester, you just embarrassed yourself. “And then,” Cas continued and Dean looked at him. “I got the blanket I knew you loved – the blue one that you once said to remind you of my eyes – and covered you, because I knew you would soon start shivering, since you always slept with the window opened.”

Oh well, that explains a lot. Dean doesn’t know exactly how to react at that. What do you say when you find out that your cousin knows how badly you want him? You shut the fuck up and grow some balls, that’s what you do. “So you didn’t exactly tell me something I didn’t know,” he continues and Dean tries to think of something else. All the things that come to his mind, though, are about Cas and similar stuff. Like how he hid under the table every time they played hide and seek because it was the closest part of the house to the kitchen and he could sneak in it to get a bite of Cas’s pie before everybody else. Or like how he liked to the turn the radio on Cas’s bedroom with the last CD he was listening to, because he wanted to know what kind of music Cas liked so he could give him a nice CD on the next Christmas. It grew as a habit, though, and every time Cas wasn’t home when he got there – before the teasing started, of course – he would go to the blue-eyed’s bedroom and dance to whatever music it was on.

“I don’t think there’s something,” Dean confesses after a few minutes. He’s almost losing himself while Cas gently strokes his hair. The sleep is strong and his eyes nearly burn with how much he wants to close them. But closing his eyes means that Cas won’t be there anymore. Not in sight, at least.

Cas looks away for a moment. “I have something I want to tell you,” he says and Dean waits, because he’s willing to know anything Cas would like to say about himself. Anything that will help him get to know his cousin even better. “When I first laid with another man,” Cas starts and Dean can’t help noticing how he got more formal. It’s one of the things about Cas, always when he got nervous or sad he tended to be the most formal guy Dean has ever met. “I was almost turning eighteen then. It was short after the whole teasing story started with you, a month or two, maybe.” He pauses again, scratching a spot on the blonde’s chest, trying to avert his eyes. Dean’s running the back of his hand along his back, trying to understand what he wants to say, but seeing Cas speechless is not actually something that happens every day. “I don’t know who he was, not even his name. My parents were out with Gabriel to some birthday party and I just brought the guy here. Everything was okay, nearly, and it didn’t hurt as much as I thought, but…” Wow, wow, wow. Wait a second. Dean’s brain’s still trying to process the whole ‘Hurt’ part. Cas was submissive? The Novak laughs lightly with the surprise on his cousin’s expression. “I like to change positions,” he explains.

But it isn’t much to help Dean. He’s never thought about being inside Cas. He has a chance, then? Oh, wow. “Dean?” Cas calls and he hums as answer, still trying to understand if this is good or bad. “Are you listening? I didn’t quite finish.”

“Sorry, I’m listening,” he assures. “It didn’t hurt as you thought it would, but…?”

The blue-eyed takes a deep breath. “When I hit climax, I yelled your name.”

 _HollymotherMaryJesussaintfuckoffuckingsake_. “What?” is the only thing Dean manages to spit out instead of the hundreds of words – and questions – flying around his mind. Cas bites his lips and moves away, standing up.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you,” he says slowly, wondering why he did in the first place. It’s not like Dean should know this stuff. It’s his private sexual life; he doesn’t have to run around telling how things happened at a certain time.

Dean’s still astonished, but although the hand that closes on Cas’s wrist when the blue-eyed tries to stand up is automatic, the teen doesn’t regret doing it. Cas looks at him. “Stay,” the blonde asks and Cas nods, although he still wants to run away. “I don’t know exactly how to answer that,” Dean says carefully, allowing the words to reach Cas. “But I do know that every time – every fucking single one – I touched myself after your little games started, I was thinking about you. And to hell with it, when I got drunk in a party here or there and had sex with someone, I could only see the color of your eyes, not theirs.”

Okay, perhaps that’s a bit too much for one night, but Dean simply can’t hold it in any longer. Not after spending time with Cas. Time _being_ Cas’s. After all the time he has waited for that moment, he was finally rewarded and let his death be very slow and painful if that isn’t the best sex he has ever had, even though there wasn’t penetration at all. Cas passes his leg over Dean’s hips so that the teen’s crotch is in the middle of his thighs. He then leans in once more and kisses Dean. This time, though, the kiss is slow, different. Somehow tender. Dean doesn’t understand much why Cas is kissing him this way, but he definitely loves it.

When they pull away just the slightest of distances, they’re both smiling affectionately. Dean has lots of questions at this moment, but one shines brighter and the teen simply can’t hold it in. “Cas?” he calls and instantaneously see eyelids lifting to show two amazing blue eyes. The Novak hums as an answer and Dean looks away, not sure of how to continue. “You said that this, what we’re doing, isn’t just about sex.” Cas looks confused, but nods. “So what _is_ this about? Like…I want this, obviously, it looks like you want too, but…Why? I mean, is this a one-time thing? Or…” The green-eyed allows the words to trail off, but the way Cas tilts his head a little to the side and straightens slightly makes the Winchester want to desperately pull him back, so he continues, although insecure yet. “Or are we…Hm…Involved?”

Cas pulls away completely, although he’s still sitting on top of Dean and his hands are on the teen’s chest. “Involved?” the black-haired asks. “Depends, what do you mean by that?” He’s freaking out and Dean can see it, even if Cas tries to hide it as much as he can. Damn the time Dean forgot Cas is afraid of relationships.

“I…” Dean bites his lips. “Nothing, just forget about it.” And just with that, Dean’s sure he screwed the whole night. But the teen _can’t_ just forget about it. He wants to know where this is going; if Cas wants this to go anywhere. Or if he’s allowing his hopes to get too high.

The last option seems pretty much the right one, especially when Cas rolls away from him and lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Awesome, Dean, congratulations, you just ruined the best night of your whole damn life. “It’s complicated, Dean,” Cas says after a few minutes and the Winchester turns to look at him. “I’m not going to say you’re the only one I’m having sexual intercourse with lately, because I don’t want to lie straight into your face,” he explains slowly and Dean can’t help feeling an ache on his chest, as if something of his has just been stolen. “But I don’t wish this to stop, because it’s something I found myself to…Need. It’s not want anymore.”

Dean gives himself a moment to think, looking at the sheets and wondering why he allowed all of this to start. He knew very well about his feelings for Cas, although he wouldn’t admit them out loud. Every time he cursed the Novak, he knew the actual words he wanted to say. So why is he feeling bad now? Does he regret it? Does he want this to stop? Hell, of course he doesn’t! He wants Cas so badly it hurts, but the actual point here is _can he continue_? “Say something,” the blue-eyed voice says and Dean finally notices that Cas’s thumb is on his cheek, lightly brushing against his skin.

And the touch is so damn perfect…It’s like if they were made for this exact moment, as if Cas’s fingers were meant to touch Dean’s skin. The teen tries to calm his heart and shakes his head nearly sadly. “Don’t know what to say,” he confesses, his eyes closed, leaning into the touch. Fuck, he knew this was going to happen! He knew this would be the feeling! Why did he still want to go on…? The answer was clear, though. Cas. No more, no less. Only Cas.

“Perhaps I should leave?” Cas asks and Dean can easily hear the struggle on his tone. He’s about to stand up, but the blonde curls his fingers on his wrist, opening his eyes and pleading with them for him to stay. Dean can’t bear it, not after they started. It’s just too much to see Cas leaving after all this. He pulls him closer, wraps his arms around his waist and hides his face on the crook of his neck.

Cas caresses his hair a little, his deep breath hot against Dean’s skin. “Don’t leave. Stay with me,” the teen asks because that’s the only thing he can do, getting a simple nod as answer. Even though all he wants to do right now is falling asleep, he knows he can’t; knows his parents are about to come back with Sam and Gabe. They can’t be seen like that.

So, with the heaviest sigh, Dean stands up, leaving a confused Cas behind. “I think they’re about to come back,” the green-eyed explains, his voice a lot rougher and lower than he expected it to be. Clearing his throat, the Winchester puts his clothes back on and leans against the wall by the door, waiting for Cas to follow him. The Novak is transparently conflicted about what has just happened and Dean can’t stand seeing him like this. Things were never meant to be different between them; at least not differently _bad_. When Cas is about to open the door, Dean grabs his hand and makes him turn back, placing his flat palm on his cousin’s neck to pull him down for a kiss, strong but meaningful. “I mean it. Don’t leave me; in anyways.”

“Couldn’t, even if I tried,” comes the answer, along with another kiss, this one gentler. They press their foreheads together for a while, getting lost into each other’s touch before Cas goes back to the nightstand and gets the two glasses and two bottles. Dean smiles at him, taking the bottles and opening the door. While they head back to the kitchen, the Winchester makes sure to brush his hand against Cas’s as much as possible, without words telling him that he was there.

Once they are sat on the couch, watching TV – some crappy Christmas movie –, Dean thinks that it won’t probably do _much_ bad if he supports his head on Cas’s chest and wrap his arms around his waist. It’s not like they weren’t close before this whole teasing story began and Dean _has_ told his mother that they were getting closer again. So why not? Cas seems to agree, since he slangs his arm around Dean’s shoulder, as if claiming him. Could the Winchester boy be happier about it? Not probably. Unless Cas was talking to him.

Still, their silence is comfortable; reassuring. They are simply telling each other that this is right now, that they can have…Feelings about each other, even though the intensity of said feelings is different. Dean tries his best not to think about it. Really, he really does, but he can’t stop thinking Cas doesn’t feel the same. Perhaps, until the end of the holiday, they can change that. And that thought, combined with Cas’s hand stroking his back, waves him into deep sleep.

When Dean wakes up again, he’s still tangled against Cas, and the scene seems pretty much the same, despite the fact that his cousin’s head is now resting on top of his own, Cas’s other hand is slightly curled on the Winchester’s shirt and they have a blanket around them. Mary’s fault, probably? He can’t stop smiling, because waking up on Cas’s arms is pretty much all Dean’s ever dreamed of. The Novak’s breathing is calm and relaxed, surely into a sleep with no dreams.

Absently, Dean brushes his thumb on Cas’s waist, looking at the now turned off TV. Only the fact that the blue-eyed didn’t stand up or left is making Dean feel a joy he really shouldn’t be feeling. Yet, who can blame him? The teen can still recall waking up in positions very much like this one. It’s like he’s reliving a memory, but now the meaning of it is so different…Deeper, maybe? For his part, at least.

Castiel shifts underneath Dean and adjusts his cheek on the teen’s hair, letting out a soft sigh before pulling him closer. And Dean’s smile only grows with that. He likes it when Cas does this things while sleeping, because it’s not his conscious talking, it’s purely him wanting Dean to be closer.

But his smile fades as soon as he sees Sam climbing down the stairs. The younger Winchester rolls his eyes and flees to the kitchen, mouthing ‘ _gay_ ’ to Dean. Sam couldn’t be more right. Perhaps Dean can tell him…It’s not like his brother will run and tell to their parents. No, Dean knows Sam and he knows he’d never be _that_ much of jerk. And Dean already told him that he had a crush on Cas. Yet, thinking again, though, what _is_ there to tell? ‘ _Hey, Sam! Can we talk a little? So, Cas and I had sex and he doesn’t feel the same way about me! But hey, he moaned my name the first time he had gay sex! Cool, isn’t it?_ ’ Yeah, he’ll probably stay shut.

Sam comes back from the kitchen with a mug and raises his eyebrows at Dean’s girly position, the blonde’s feet on the couch. Well, what can he do? He’s a cuddler…”For god’s sake,” Sam whispers and sits next to his brother’s feet. Dean can’t help a little laugh that vibrates along his entire body and wakes Cas up. The green-eyed teen instantly regrets making the move, since he knows Cas will see Sam’s around and pull away from him.

Did Dean ever say that Cas is filled with surprises? No? He’s saying it now, then. Instead of standing up, or even tensing, Cas just raises his head and uncurls his fingers from Dean’s shirt to rub his eyes, using the same hand to stroke the teen’s hair after. Wow, now _that’s_ something Dean didn’t expect _at all_. “Good morning,” Cas says with his voice even deeper. It’s okay that it arouses Dean, right?

“Morning,” the blonde offers back, a lot more fondly than he expected. Sam doesn’t seem to notice though and turns the TV on.

“Finally! Home Alone is about to start and I thought you two lovey doveys wouldn’t wake up in time!” Sam says and Dean can’t do anything but frowning at his brother. Home Alone? Seriously?

“We used to watch that movie every Christmas,” Cas recalls and Dean’s frown is now joined by Sam. They say in unison: ‘ _We did?_ ’, and their cousin nods, smiling a little, his stroke on Dean’s hair a little more kind. “Yes, the tree of us, Sam on the floor, Dean spread on the couch…” He’s interrupted by Sam’s ‘ _Typical_ ’ and chuckles before continuing. “And I would usually sit on that armchair.” The black-haired points with the hand that was nearly playing with the collar of Dean’s shirt to the armchair at the corner of a living room. “Sometimes Gabe joined us too, but he was never really a big fan of that movie.”

The Winchesters are smiling, but none of them remembers that. Maybe they were too young. It is something simple, and yet so important that they give themselves a moment to relive the memory, their attentions turning back to the TV. A long moment passes before the break is on and they have a few minutes to talk again. Dean’s nearly back to sleep, Cas’s touch being so relaxing. “Get a room you two,” Sam teases and Dean stiffs a little.

Cas, though, was probably waiting to get that kind of response at some point, since he just raises his hand to mess Sam’s hair, laughing when the boy shoved his hand away, back to Dean’s shoulder. “Don’t be jealous, Sammy, you can join the fun too.” It was meant to be a joke, but Dean discreetly pokes at Cas’s ribcage, telling him that _no way_ Sam – or anyone else – could join the fun. The blue-eyed only scratches Dean’s chest and shakes his head.

Once the movie’s back, they fall silent again. Dean’s a little more adventurous now and starts playing with the hem of Cas’s shirt, his fingers thumbing the skin a little strongly not to tickle. Cas seems to enjoy it, since he doesn’t pull away or anything, only keeps looking at the screen. The reason why Dean knows that excites him? His breath’s completely uneven, although he does his best to hide it. They know Sam’s unaware of everything, and is yet sat by their sides. How can this _not_ be hot?

Okay, so maybe having dirty thoughts about your cousin – who had sex with you on the night before – when your brother is sitting by your side isn’t exactly the best idea ever, because you and said cousin start to tease each other and hiding your nearly painful hard on is a bit more difficult than you expected it to be. “The things I’m thinking about doing with you right now…” Dean hears Cas’s voice whisper on his ear, what, thank you very much, is exactly what he needs to hide his erection!

Should Dean answer? Licking his now dry lips, the green-eyed boy slides the hand that was resting on Cas’s stomach downwards very slowly under the blanket, slightly lifting his shirt to scratch his crotch. The Novak instantaneously stiffs and Dean looks up at him, asking with his eyes if he should stop. He gets an unconventional answer, though, when Cas leans against the touch, eyes connected with the TV. Sam’s quiet on his seat, probably trying to remember the memories; he won’t be a bother for now. Or at least Dean hopes he won’t.

After taking a discreet deep breath, he starts to play with Cas’s belt, opening it making the less noise as possible. Dean’s heart is bumping as loud as ever, fear mixed with arousal. But when he’s about to go for the fun apart, the movie ends and they aren’t safe anymore. The blonde stops immediately, his fingers on the waistband of his cousin’s boxers. Before he can do anything stupid, his brain tells him to zip Cas’s pants up and close his belt once more while the credits are rolling on the screen. Not that the final result is as good as before they started to play, but it’s enough. “Dean, why don’t you help me to take these blankets back to the bedroom?” Cas asks _very_ suggestively, although Dean’s absolutely sure Sam doesn’t notice,

“Hurry up you two, mom and dad want to open the presents before lunch,” the younger Winchester says when the other two stand up nearly desperately, but they don’t even bother to answer, both as lustful as ever. They also run into Gabe in the way back to the bedroom, but he doesn’t talk to them much more than to ask if they had seen Sam. Dean’s trying to answer as polite as possible, but Cas throws a cold ‘ _Living room_ ’ at his younger brother and gets the Winchester by his wrist so strongly it actually hurt. Still, at the moment, Dean isn’t exactly at the position to care.

As soon as the bedroom’s door is closed – and the blankets thrown god knows where – Dean is being pinned against it, Cas’s lips eagerly claiming his own. Obviously, the green-eyed doesn’t protest, he simply kisses back, his fingers digging on his cousin’s hair. Cas isn’t in the mood to be gentle, what is clearly shown when the Novak presses his flat palms on the door and rolls his hips in time with Dean’s, muffling the teen’s moans with a breath-taking kiss.

Dean has never seen Cas being this rough to anybody, and he sincerely can’t say he doesn’t like it. Their movements are perfectly aligned, the same filthy rhythm controlling both of their minds. “You look so amazing like this, consumed by your primer instincts,” Cas says between uneasy and warm breaths that quickly finds its way to Dean’s mouth, making the teen’s legs shake. “So many times I pictured this exact scene, in so many different ways…And somehow you can still amaze me. How is it possible, Dean? What do you have that makes me desire you so much?”

“God…” is the only thing Dean can manage to say, his eyes rolling back and his hips arching to press harder against Cas’s. A little gasp escape Dean’s lips and he has to close his eyes shut, his nails digging on his cousin’s hips. For the love of god, Dean can’t live like that, wanting someone more than he wants to breathe. How’s that even possible? And yet there Cas is, proving that nothing can be labeled, especially as impossible.

By now the teen’s shivering badly, the blood pounding on his ears, warning him that his orgasm is close. Cas isn’t merciful, though, and presses himself against Dean even stronger, swallowing his whine. “Come to me, Dean, let me feel you.” What can you do with a request like that but obeying? So that’s exactly what Dean does, he comes on his pants, with Cas grinding against him like that and closely following. They give themselves a moment, foreheads pressed together as their white-outs slowly gives in and their breaths go back to normal.

When Dean thinks his voice is back, he swallows and gives Cas a weak smile. “You’re gonna kill me,” the teen whispers, getting a grin and a soft kiss as an answer before they part to change their clothes. That part was kind of difficult for Dean, because seeing Cas naked isn’t exactly _easy_ , and he really thinks about staying in the bedroom. But his curiosity – and Cas’s laugh – convinces him to go downstairs, of course, not before stealing a brief kiss at the door. “What did you get me?” he asks while they’re heading downstairs.

“It’s a surprise.” Hell of an answer! The tradition of the Novak and Winchester families was that each person would give a gift to everyone, and then the Novaks would give the Winchesters a present to the family and vice-versa. Dean loved that tradition because of the family gifts. Usually, the Novaks booked a trip for Mary and John, what left Dean and Sam alone in the house. And teenagers alone in a house always – _always_ – meant parties.

So yes, Dean spent the like half of the year planning the party along with Sam, and they can’t wait to know how many days their parents will be away. Really, it’s written in their eyes. But the blonde teen is a little nervous. At the same time he was planning the party, he was also choosing Cas’s gift. Not that he’ll ever admit out loud that he actually gives a fuck about it – well, at least he wouldn’t until last night –, but Cas can very easily throw the thing on him and never look Dean in the eye again. It is worth a shot, though.

You see, when Dean chose that gift, he was still a little, or maybe a lot, mad with Cas, because of the teasing story. He wanted to put an end at it, and he had no idea of how to do it, except for that idea. Sam helped him. The younger boy was excited to do something about ‘Dean’s little crush’, as he calls it. The only thing he doesn’t know is that it stopped being a crush some months ago, perhaps even before that. He insisted on helping Dean to pay for the gift, even though he could afford it because of his temporary job at their father and uncle’s auto.

“Dean, I need to talk to you,” Sam says as soon as the blonde’s silhouette appears at the stairs. Dean frowns, but follows Sam to the outside. They stop close to the pool, where Sam’s sure no one will hear them. “Okay, talk, now. What’s happening between you and Cas?”

Wide-eyed, Dean has to take a moment to put his thoughts in order and decide what he can and can’t tell his brother. The ‘can’t’ part seems way longer than the ‘can’ one. “We’re having a thing…I think,” he finally gives, scratching his head a little and looking away.

But Sam’s definitely not satisfied. “Okay, Dean, that part I’m very aware of. I want to know what exactly that ‘thing’ is,” the boy demands and Dean takes another minute, trying to think of a way of omitting the ‘NC-17’ part. “I know you’re having sex.”

Okay, now that’s a surprise. Dean said he was wide-eyed before? He was wrong! “W-What?! What are you talking about, we’re not having sex,” the older brother tries, but the nervous laughter that escapes his lips and Sam’s raised eyebrows are clearly a hint that he failed. Miserably.

“You two aren’t exactly quiet, Dean. Gabe asked me to get his cell phone and I happened to pass by Cas’s room. I overheard you a few minutes ago, so I want to know exactly what’s happening. I think I deserve that much.” The problem? Sam can’t be more right. He definitely deserves to know what’s happening.

The second problem? Dean doesn’t know how to tell him. So, instead of keeping his mouth shut as he should do, the blonde sits on the floor and waits for his brother to join him, swallowing as to organize his thoughts. “Cas has been teasing me for five years now, since he got me jerking off to one of his magazines,” he starts, but Sam isn’t surprised at all. That much he knew for what Dean had told him. “This year the teasing continued, but he was more…Audacious, I think, and there was a lot more touching. He told me it was because I said I wasn’t coming, and he was afraid that I wouldn’t come anymore. Teasing comes, teasing goes, it happened that we got a lot closer, like, not sexually at first, we just touched more often.”

Dean stops for a minute to catch his breath, smiling weakly when Sam doesn’t even move a muscle, waiting patiently. “Well, then the teasing got to the sexual part, but no way I’m giving you details,” he says, earning an understanding laugh from Sam, but continues anyway. “It really started by dinner time, but we didn’t get… _There_ yet. I mean…Well, you know.”

“Yeah, I know, Dean, continue,” Sam assures him, shaking his head to get rid of the disturbing mental images.

Biting his lips, Dean sighs. He doesn’t want to tell this part, but he knows he has to. Sam’s the only one able to help him. “Once we finished, a little before you all got back, I asked him if it was only a one-time thing or if we were, like, involved. He got distant for a moment, and when he talked again, Cas confessed I’m not the only one he’s having this kind of relationship right now, but that he doesn’t want to stop what we’re having.”

Sam’s jaw is nearly touching the floor. He seems so surprised that Dean only stares at him, waiting for some kind of reaction. “Dean! Oh my god, I knew you had a thing for him, but I didn’t know you were in love with him!”

“What?! I’m not in love with Cas, you dumbass!” Dean snaps back, slapping his head, but that isn’t enough, Sam’s laughing as if it was the most obvious thing in the word.

The younger brother stands up, walking from one side to the other. “It all makes sense now! How you talk about him, the way you constantly say his name while sleeping,” Dean’s about to interrupt and say that he most certainly doesn’t say Cas’s name while sleeping, but one look from Sam is enough to keep him shut. “I mean, okay, I know you two are related, but somehow this is even better! You know each other, it’s not like you’re gonna fight for everything! And I must say, you do make a cute couple.”

Dean waits – not that – patiently for Sam to finish, biting the inner side of his cheek. “We’re not a couple, Sam,” he says when his brother is done.

“Of course you are! You sleep together, you cuddle, he strokes your hair while talking to others, you hold onto him as if he will disappear if you don’t, he didn’t stand up from the couch not to wake you up, although we could see he was clearly in an uncomfortable position, you nearly drooled on him and he didn’t even complain!” Sam points out.

But it isn’t enough, neither for Dean nor for Cas and the blonde Winchester is very aware of that fact. “This is not a relationship, Sam. It’s a thing.”

Sam rolls his eyes, holding his brother’s shoulders and forcing him to stand up, even shaking a little, trying to put some sense into his mind. “Dean! Wake up! You love the guy, why is it so difficult to admit it?”

The only thing passing on Dean’s mind though is: ‘ _He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how much I want to._ ’ “Because if I admit, I’ll ruin everything and I like the way things are.”

Out of the nowhere, Sam’s hand lies strongly on Dean’s cheek, slapping him and making his head turn a little to the side. “You’ll ruin everything if you stay shut! He loves you too, you mindless jerk!”

“He doesn’t love me, Sam!” Dean shouts louder than he intended.

It doesn’t scare Sam, though, who simply replies with a, “How do you know that?”

Dean can’t control himself anymore. The anger, more directed to himself for falling in love with his cousin than to Sam, is boiling with every beat of his heart. “He’s afraid of relationships! You know that very well.”

“Who are we talking about?” Gabriel’s voice comes from behind them, startling the Winchester brothers and making them realize that they were holding each other’s shirt, nearly getting into a fight.

The younger brother clears his throat as they let themselves go. “No one,” Dean says, but Gabe simply rolls his eyes.

Sam takes the lead then. “He knows, Dean,” the brown-haired explains to his brother before turning back to their cousin. “We were talking about how Dean and Cas are in love, but my stubborn brother won’t admit it.”

It’s kind of scary, but Dean isn’t _that_ surprised that Gabe knows, but the question wandering around the older Winchester’s mind is whether if Sam or _Cas_ told him. The chance of the last option being the right one is nearly zero, but he can’t stop thinking about it, and yet doesn’t have the guts to ask. “You two are unbelievable,” Gabe says after a while in which Dean stayed lost in his own thoughts. “I lost count with how many times Sam called me during the night to say that you wouldn’t stop murmuring my brother’s name.” Dean throws Sam a glance. Who is he to tell Gabriel? “Oh, please, Dean, you’re really naïve if you think I didn’t know about your little thing for Cas for maybe longer than you do.”

Gabriel slaps Dean’s head and the Winchester can’t do anything but rubbing the spot and twitch his nose at Sam’s laugh. “The thing _is_ ,” the Novak continues. “If Sam hadn’t told me, Cas would. More than he had, at least.” Dean’s eyes grow wider. What does he mean with that? He’s about to ask, but Gabe only raises his hand so he can continue his statement. “Cas won’t shut up about you. If he’s not talking about you, he’s talking about something _related_ to you. Like how he likes blonde guys way better than black-haired ones, how he thinks eyes say a lot more than words, especially the ones which have colors different than the usual ones, how certain play character remembers him of a person that makes him smile and so on.” Gabriel rolls his eyes when Dean swallows.

Not once Dean thought Cas talked about him. True it is that _he_ won’t stop thinking about his blue-eyed cousin, but knowing Cas talks about him is…Wow. “Stop being such a dumbass,” Gabe continues once more, shaking Dean’s head. “If he’s not in love with you, I’ll kiss Sam.”

Sam opens his eyes widely, frowning and sticking his tongue out. “Gabe, stop making those promises,” he asks with the most disgusted face Dean has ever seen and, of course, also the funniest one. “Stop laughing!” Sam nearly shouts, punching his brother’s arm.

“Look Gabe,” Dean says after clearing his throat and being able to recompose himself. “I appreciate that you told me all of this and I’m happy you’re for with this…Thing happening between me and your brother, but I think he forgot to tell you that I’m not the only one with whom he’s having this kind of relationship.” The words come out so easily that Dean starts to think he’s getting used to them, although he can still feel his throat growing tighter.

It’s not that Dean loves Cas – at least he doesn’t think he does –, but he’s definitely in love with him and he couldn’t deny it even if he wanted to – well, at least not in his head –, which he doesn’t. Dean denied it for too long. Five years is way too much time. One little look at Cas when he arrived two days ago and it was enough, he knew right there that he was in love with his cousin. But that’s not the way things should go, especially because Cas is not in love with him. And what if he were? What would they do then? They live nearly a whole day away and Cas still has college. It’s not like they can maintain a relationship that easily.

Yes, this _is_ Dean’s last year and yes, he _is_ – probably – going to college next year, but that means nothing. “Dean!” Sam and Gabe scream at the same time, trying to get his attention out of his own thoughts. They’re both looking at him with their eyebrows raised, hands ready to take a swing and punch his shoulders.

“Sorry!” Dean replies, shaking his head and relaxing when the hands lower. “What did I miss?”

That shouldn’t be a surprise, but Dean still gasps a little when Gabe’s hand finds his head. “I _said_ , stupid head, that I know Cas is having this thing with other people. I even _know_ the other people. But he doesn’t allow them to sleep in his bed, he doesn’t sleep on their beds and he most certainly doesn’t _cuddle_. I gotta say, I was impressed when I got to the living room last night after everyone went to bed and saw him waking up, looking at you, smiling and sleeping again.”

Dean laughs, but it’s not that kind of happy one, it’s incredibly sarcastic. “Thank you, Gabriel, but that doesn’t mean he’s fucking in love with me, okay? I’m his cousin, of course he loves me; I’m family. Which doesn’t mean that he’ll assume a relationship with me. Really, don’t you know your brother? Don’t you know how afraid he is of commitment? Gosh, Gabe, I know you’re trying to help, but I don’t need help. Things are great the way they are.”

“Dean? Do you have a minute?” Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, and just once more, fuck. Dean closes his eyes and swallows before opening them again and turning around, trying to make his smile the last fake as possible.

“Sure, Cas.” Dean says and starts to slowly walk toward his cousin as Cas waves to Gabe and Sam, who only grin at him. Brothers suck, that’s the truth. Dean can barely contain a growl when he passes by Cas and waits him to lead them to the bathroom. Wait, why the bathroom?

Cas doesn’t say anything, he only looks around and makes sure no one is looking before he pushes Dean inside and enters next to him, closing and locking the door. Dean frowns. They just had sex, no way Cas is ready for another round, is he? “Sit down,” the black-haired finally says, indicating the toilet with his head. Dean doesn’t hesitate, but looks at Cas questioningly, especially when he kneels down in front of him.

“Ahn, Cas?” Dean calls, licking his lips and trying to control the beatings of his heart as Cas’s hands start to caress his thighs. “Is everything alright?”

He’s not looking at Dean. His eyes are focused on his own hands, moving and scratching Dean’s legs strongly above his pants. “Just wanted to touch you.” Dean’s breath is completely uneven by now, trying to understand what the hell is happening to his cousin. Not that he’s complaining, far from that, but Cas is acting so weird…Perhaps he heard the ‘talk’ he had with Gabe and Sam? Dear gosh, don’t let that option be the right one. “Come here.”

How could Dean refuse that? He leans down slowly, cupping Cas’s cheek with one of his hands and holding his shoulder to keep him in place with the other, getting the time before the kiss to get lost inside Cas’s eyes.. Cas is probably not very patient, since he comes forward abruptly and his nails dig in Dean’s thigh, making the Winchester wince against his cousin’s lips.

Their kiss is nearly desperate, as if one of them could disappear at any moment. Cas’s hands travel around Dean’s body as fast as they can, going under his shirt when they find the perfect place and scratching his chest. By then, Dean’s already on the floor, laying on top of Cas and digging his fingers inside his hair, trying to be the less noisy as he can, a very difficult task, if he might say.

Completely in an inappropriate timing, the doorbell rings and Dean growls against Cas’s lips, starting to pull away. Cas, though, only bites the Winchester’s bottom lip and slides his hands out of Dean’s shirt to curl his fingers on it, pulling him closer. It takes a whole lot of self-control for Dean to pull away enough to say his next words – a whole more than it should take, since he’s very aware that this is only to _kill time_. Not for fun, Cas made it clear, but he doesn’t want anything more serious, so, yeah, this is just a way to kill time. Because, hey, Dean’s only a fucking puppet that can be used whenever Cas feels like having a quickie.

The incredibly next-to-zero amount of fucks Dean gives to that realization actually scares him, giving him the final push. “Cas, the doorbell,” he whispers with just one breath before being drawn back to the blue-eyed Novak’s lips once more.

“There are…Four other…People in this…House…They can…Get it for…Me,” Cas says between small kisses that Dean unconsciously chases. Good point, Sam, Gabe and Dean’s parents are very capable of getting the door and hey, Gabe even lives there, so what’s the problem? Why does it seem that they should stop? Was the doorbell only an excuse for Dean to pull away? But isn’t he the one who’s chasing those stubbornly short kisses? Why doesn’t he simply fucking _forget_ about the conversation they had last night? Why, why, _why_?!

Dean doesn’t have those answers yet. Although the thing he definitely most want to do is drown himself in Cas’s taste – because goddammit if that’s not the best taste ever –, he can’t bring himself to do it. Not yet, not after yesterday. Okay, he confesses that he didn’t even give second thoughts when Cas pulled him back to the bedroom a bit earlier, but now that he had that stupid talk – nearly fight – with Gabriel and Sam, he simply can’t feel the same.

And this is still going to tear him apart. Cas is simply addicting. It’s like if his body was made just to match with Dean’s and that’s freaking _awesome_ , but it’s not the same as it was last night. Yet, he also can’t pull away. He can simply allow Cas to conduce the kiss, contour the blonde’s teeth with the very tip of his tongue, send a little shiver to the back of his spine with a slight massage at the roof of his mouth, or even lace his legs around Dean’s hips.

There’s no way Dean doesn’t have a huge boner by now, and his libido is screaming so loudly against his mind that it’s actually painful. He’s about to move his hands from where they stopped – digging his nails on Cas’s hips – when a voice comes from the other side of the door. “Castiel? Cas?”

Shit, that’s Mary’s voice. Dean nearly freezes, but Cas doesn’t do anything more than throwing his head back for a hint of a second and baring his throat so he can scream back at Dean’s mother. “In the bathroom!” he announces with that freaking sex voice that only he can do. Really, Dean has plenty bed experience to affirm that Cas’s voice is the most beautiful – and sexy – one he’s ever heard. Both in and out of bed.

“You have a guest,” Mary continues, probably standing by the door. Dean stops everything he’s doing, but Cas isn’t willing to do that, so he moves his mouth to Dean’s neck, making him bite his lip so hard to contain a wince that it hurts his bones. “Gabriel’s trying to send him away, but he said he’s your friend and dropped by to wish you Merry Christmas.”

One of Cas’s friends is here? Which friend? Does Dean know him? Not probably, since Mary doesn’t know him and there weren’t lots of times Dean has been with Cas or any of the Novaks without his own family. “I’ll be there in a minute, tell Gabe he can let whomever it is in, please,” Cas asks. Dean’s almost surprised when his hands pull him back for another one more kiss. “Stop resisting, they won’t hear,” he whispers, barely stopping it from being a hiss.

It can be called relief what Dean feels when he realizes Cas thinks that’s the only reason why he’s not giving a hundred percent of himself to the moment. He obviously doesn’t want this _thing_ between them to stop, so he better make sure Cas still thinks that’s the only reason. “Don’t keep your guest waiting,” Dean says, trying to hide the actually stupid fucking tightness that those words cause to his throat.

“If it’s a true friend of mine, he can wait a few more minutes, I’m not ready to let you go yet.” Cas’s words dig inside Dean. It would be truly amazing to overthink them and find a reason for them to be said, but he knows better than this. He knows that they mean exactly what Cas said. They mean that Cas is enjoying this little moment where they can simply succumb to their pure and basic instincts.

But Dean finally finds the strength to pull away. Not happily, because he also has a dick and it also is half – if not entirely – hard. Still, he can’t have sex with Cas in the fucking bathroom while his parents wait outside. Well, actually he can and he would definitely do it. If he’ll think about it, he’ll have to use more than his own hands to count how many times he had sex in the school bathroom, rather at parties or in the middle of the class, sometimes with someone he didn’t even know the name.

That’s not the situation right now, though. He wasn’t in love with those faceless people, and he _is_ in love with Cas. So no, he can’t stand being a toy at that moment. Not when Gabe and Sam’s words are ringing so fucking loudly inside his head, almost driving him crazy. The shove he gives Cas was originally meant to be a soft push, but when he opens his eyes and looks up, they are standing a good distance away.

Dean can barely breathe and not only because of the heated moment they just had. His chest seems like it was designed to be three times bigger, but the final result came out wrong and now it doesn’t have enough space for his lungs. It’s painful the air that gets to his nose and flows directly to them, but it’s nothing compared to the worried expression Cas is throwing at him. He doesn’t look mad, at least, or sad, only confused, as if he didn’t expected almost hitting his head on the door when Dean shoved him away. But then again, Dean didn’t expect it either.

Slowly, Cas starts to approach him. Dean didn’t realize that he has moved his hands to his hair and his feet are on the floor, his elbows on his knees. Why is this happening? Is that the feeling you get when you’re in love? It’s not like Dean has something to be based on. The closest feeling to that he’s ever had for someone was when he fell in love with Lisa and fuck him if that was even a hint of what he feels for Cas.

“Dean, what happened?” Cas’s voice is soft, scared, as if he’s trying not to startle Dean somehow. His hand reaches up to the back of the teen’s neck and he lightly plays with the few hairs located there in a calming movement. Well, at least Dean thinks it’s supposed to be calming, because that isn’t helping at all.

When he starts to fight back the tears, he gets a lot more surprised than he was expecting to be. Fuck, Cas is right in front of him! If he literally lifts his hand, he’ll touch him, or Cas will intertwine their fingers. And he wants that. _God_ he wants that so much…He wants that so… _Fucking_ …Much. Then why won’t he? Why won’t he simply reach for Cas?

The answer is so frightening that he can’t bear to say it. Seventeen years he has known Cas as cousin. Five years he has known Cas as a man. And less than two days he has known Cas as his. Even if it is for a few moments, when they’re kissing, or touching, Cas is _Dean’s_. No one else’s. Why isn’t that enough? Dean shakes his head, but he doesn’t know if he’s answering Cas’s question, or if he’s denying that weird and new feeling settling inside him.

He wants to scream. He wants to run away and never see Cas again. He wants to bury his face on his pillow, press the play to his iPod and forget about everything that happened and the whole damn world. Cas’s arms wrapping around his shoulders help less than his touch, but Dean leans against him anyway. It’s comforting, although it really shouldn’t be, and it’s good. It’s fucking good. “It’s okay, Dean,” Cas assures him, what only makes him shakes his head stronger, but he laces Cas’s waist with his arms and hold on as tightly as he can.

So many things he wants to say…So many things screaming at him, telling him to believe Gabe’s words and hold onto them. And he can’t. He simply _can’t_. They stay like this for a few minutes, Cas’s hand stroking his hair while he squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to let the tears win. Until someone knocks on the door. “Castiel, get your ass over here and send that douchebag away,” Gabe orders from outside.

Cas sighs and kisses Dean’s head. “Dean’s with me, I’ll be there as soon as possible,” he answers. No, Dean doesn’t want to hold Cas to himself for that long. Not when it’s only happening because Cas’s he-is-family side is what’s telling him to stay. He wants to believe that Cas wants to take care of him not only as his cousin, but that wish is way too far away from reality.

Gabriel takes a breath and is ready to object, but Dean lifts his head from Cas’s chest – where he didn’t even know he had laid it – and speaks before the blonde Novak can. “We’re coming out, Gabe.” He’s proud of himself that his voice doesn’t sound as broken as he feels.

Clearing his throat, Dean makes a move to stand up. That doesn’t mean that Cas allows it. Instead, he kneels in front of Dean and cups his cheek, trying to get him to look at him. Dean avoids it, looking at his lips, which is not a smart decision. But Cas waits until Dean’s green eyes meet his fucking blue ones. “We don’t have to go if you’re not feeling better.”

Great, they’ll stay there until Cas starts to fall in love with Dean. Awesome place to be confined for the rest of his days. At least Dean won’t die because he couldn’t use the bathroom. “I’m okay,” he says after swallowing that he hopes Cas didn’t notice.

“Are you sure?” The same worry is dancing around Cas’s eyes, making Dean’s chest feel even tighter than it already does. Dean only nods, averting his eyes once more. That’s not very clever, since when he looks back at Cas, he doesn’t leave them open for much longer. After all, there are lips brushing lightly against his own, as if questioning if he can go further.

Can he? Dean wants and doesn’t want that. What does he do? Cas is so attracting, as if he’s everything Dean claims to want and need. And not only _he_ claims it, but his body does too; even his goddamn mind does. So why not? Why not hide the emotional with the physical? That’s what Dean’s been doing his entire life, after all, one more time won’t kill him. Except that it feels like it will.

Dean pulls away before Cas can do more than brush their lips, looking at the ground. He’s just not ready for it yet. He has to think, put order to his thoughts before acting. Last night and today’s morning were just moments to stop the burning under his skin that itched for five years. Now, that the burning is a little weaker, he can give himself time. He has tasted Cas, he has felt what it’s like to have him. He has to look at that and make sure he can keep the emotions apart from the physical.

Cas sighs. It’s a sigh so near to be hurt that Dean looks at him sharply. His smile isn’t there anymore and Dean can’t stand it. He’ll be fucking selfish if he lets his feelings make Cas said. “I just need some time,” Dean says. He has to do it. The hurt inside his eyes that Dean knows he was the one to cause for not once, but twice pulling away in a period of maybe five minutes, is too much.

With his heart on his hand, Dean stops breathing and leans in a little, sealing Cas’s lips with his own in a shy kiss. It’s nothing more than a press of their lips, not much stronger than before, but it seems to be enough to put Cas’s smile back in place. And that’s all Dean needs. Cas may not feel the same, but he smiles when Dean kisses him, so it’s a start. A start to the thoughts Dean will have in a few minutes.

The Novak stands first, offering Dean his hand to help him do the same. He accepts it with just a little hesitation that has Cas’s smile flinching. Once they’re both on their feet and Dean’s about to open the door, Cas tugs at the hand he’s still holding and makes him turn around to face him. “I know it’s about me and I won’t force you to say it, but whenever you’re ready, just come talk to me, okay?”

Well, Dean definitely has to practice his I-am-not-trying-not-to-cry-because-you-do-not-feel-the-same face. And that will be hard as fuck. But hey, that’s life! “I will,” Dean says weakly, giving Cas a half smile before opening the door. He thinks Cas will let go of his hand, but he doesn’t. Instead, they look around to see if anyone is around and get out together, heading to the leaving room.

It’s confirmed, Dean has never seen that guy before. He’s blonde and Dean’s sure when he affirms that he’s cocky, that only based on the posture he’s standing, close to the door. “Cassie!” the guy calls once Cas appears in the living room with a stupid British accent. As soon as Cas’s hand lets go of his own, Dean knows that guy is one of the other people Cas is having the kind of relationship he’s having with Dean.

He tries _really_ hard not to look hurt when his hand swings alone. Of course something like this had to happen. Not one thing in Dean’s life has been this close to perfection, why would his relationship with Cas be? Chewing on the inner side of his cheek, Dean pass by Cas and go to sit on the couch by Sam’s side. His brother is giving him a look so sympathetic that Dean can nearly take the ‘ _sym_ ’ part away and stay only with the ‘pathetic’ one. “Balthazar,” Cas says with a genuinely surprised tone.

Dean folds his leg against his chest and looks at the TV, trying not to stare. Gabriel’s on his other side and he’s close to be growling at that _Balthazar_. “What are you doing here?” Cas’s voice stands out again, this time the surprise fading and giving room to amusement. Dean wanted so much that that smile was fake that he almost doesn’t have time to bite his cheek hard enough to contain a wince.

“I came to see you, of course,” the jerk says with a grin, approaching Cas with every word and hugging him tightly. Dean closes his hands into fists and he doesn’t fucking care anymore if he’s glaring at the guy. Gabriel is too, so that can’t be that bad. “I told you I’d probably drop by after Christmas Eve and I thought, hey, why not on Christmas day?” He’s laughing and Cas is nearly grinning at him as well.

Holly fuck, Dean thought until that very moment that hiding a boner was hard. It’s nothing comparing with the rage and the want to punch Balthazar in the guts he’s feeling right now. The hard stab of jealousy is cooling Dean’s blood, making his entire body ache while it runs through his veins. “Yeah I remember, I only wasn’t expecting you here today.” Cas hugs him back and Dean’s happy they’re not paying attention to him, because Sam actually has to cover the blonde’s mouth with his hand to stop him from hissing. Dean nods at him as a thank you, but Sam doesn’t drop his hand and Gabe hides his snort with a cough. “I’m happy you made it, though. Here, let me introduce you to my family.”

Sam’s hand falls as fast as possible and Dean tries not to be as wide-eyed as he’s feeling as Cas turns with the jerk, the Novak’s hand on his shoulder and Balthazar’s on his hips, nearly pulling him closer. Dean wishes Sam’s hand was back so he wouldn’t have to shred his tongue with how hard he’s biting at it. “I believe you know my brother Gabriel.”

“Sure do! Hey Gabe!” Balthazar greets with a huge smile.

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Hi, jerk.” Wow, looks like Gabe can read minds. Dean doesn’t even try to contain the smirk wandering around the corner of his lips.

“Yeah, Gabe, really cute,” Cas says, shaking his head. So Gabe doesn’t like the jerk…Interesting. “This is my cousin Sam Winchester,” the black-haired continues and Sam only gives them a small smile before turning away. Sam rocks. And he’s holding Dean’s shirt. Why? “And this is my other cousin, Sam’s brother, Dean Winchester.” Fuck, it’s so hard to hide the shiver he feels from that…But somehow he manages it and gives the jerk the less threating smile he can put on his lips while directing it to him.

Balthazar narrows his eyes for only a second before clearing his throat slightly and grinning at Dean. “Pleasure to meet you all, I’m Balthazar.” He moves his hand lower on Cas’s body, making it clear that he can.

Dean tries to stand up to punch that grin out of his face – because he doesn’t fucking care if Balthazar is older than him, probably Cas’s age –, but a tug on his shirt makes him stay put. Oh, so _that’s_ why Sammy is holding his shirt. “Thanks, Sam,” Dean whispers under his breath and throws a thankful look at his brother under the red covering his eyes.

Why did Balthazar have to show up? Why did he have to fucking ruin Dean’s Christmas? For the love of George Foreman and his inventions that make food taste even better than it already does, don’t let Balthazar stay for the gift opening. “Oh, those are Mary and John Winchester, Sam and Dean’s parents,” Cas says when they show up in the leaving room.

“The name is Balthazar.” That jerk with that ridiculous accent. Dean twitches his nose, since it’s the best he can do when his mother and father actually greet _Balthazar_ properly. They shouldn’t. Who they think they are? Adults? “I’m enchanted to meet all of you.”

Mary smiles and shakes the hand Balthazar has up, but he kisses the back of hers instead, making her smile grow bigger. “Such a gentleman! See, Dean, _that’s_ how you greet a lady. Spend some time with Balthazar, it will do you good.”

Don’t growl at your mother, don’t growl at your mother, don’t growl at your mother. Thanks, Gabe, for growling at Dean’s mother. “That’s just the top layer he shows to my parents,” Gabe says nearly as a whisper, leaning against Dean and looking at Sam so he’ll do the same and they can talk as if they were just commenting about the game on the TV. “I don’t know how he acts with Cas, but I despise him. His smile is fake, his voice, his laugh…Maybe even his accent.”

Dean shrugs a bit, earning glances from the boys on his shoulders. “Cas seems to like him,” he says, trying to sound as normal as possible when the person he’s in love with has his fucking hand on Balthazar’s fucking shoulder and Balthazar’s fucking hand is on Cas’s fucking hips. Yes, Dean does have a bitter appreciation for the word ‘fucking’, in many ways.

“He’s the one you most have to be careful of,” Gabe warns. “I don’t know which spell he threw at my brother, but Cas seems _enchanted_ ,” he makes sure to mock Balthazar’s accent, making both Sam and Dean laugh. “With everything the jerk does. It’s creepy.”

Yeah, Dean can see that very well. “I just don’t understand why you tried to make me believe he was in love with me when you knew that when Balthazar was around he acted like…Like…” Fuck, Dean doesn’t even have a word!

“Like a stupid ass?” Sam offers and Dean nearly kiss his brother. Ew.

“Exactly! Like a stupid ass.” Dean starts to go through how Gabe described the guy Cas likes. Balthazar is a blonde guy. His eyes probably say a lot more than words, and they are certainly different than usual with that stupid blue. Not that they get even _near_ Cas’s blue. No, that blue is specifically Cas’s. But Balthazar could be the person that makes Cas smile. Hell, Dean has even seen him making Cas smile!

Gabriel sighs. “Because he doesn’t talk about Balthazar when the jerk’s not around. It’s like a drug, when it’s not near you, it doesn’t affect you. But Cas talks about you. He talks about how he sometimes wishes Christmas would come faster or at least last one day longer.”

Sure, because Dean is just going to believe that shit. He shakes his head, realizing that they’re alone in the leaving room and the ‘big ones’ are in the kitchen, talking animatedly. “Mom!” Sam shouts out of the nowhere, startling both Dean and Gabriel as he climbs over Dean’s head to see their mother. Mary looks at him and raises her eyebrows as a question. “Let’s open the presents!”

Dean doesn’t think twice. He punches Sam’s stomach with all his strength and the younger Winchester falls on his lap. “Not with Balthazar here,” he hisses and Gabriel agrees with a nod.

“Oh, okay! Do you want to stay, Balthazar? Unless you have something better to do.” Is that fucking _disappointment_ Dean hears on his mother voice? For all that is pie, don’t let it be!

It’s pretty goddamn difficult to see only with the corner of his eyes, so Dean’s incredibly happy that Gabe simply stares at them and narrates what’s happening. He probably didn’t have to do it, though. Dean can easily here the fake grin on Balthazar’s voice when he speaks again. “Oh, I don’t want to be a bother!”

 _Oh but I don’t want to be a bother_ blah, blah, _blah_! Dean is so fucking _angry_ that he thinks he could tear Balthazar apart with nothing but his hands. Easily. “You won’t be, dear,” Mary says. “We’ll just open the gifts and then we can talk more!”

Is it okay to be angry at your mother because she’s throwing a random guy on the person you’re in love with? It better be, because Dean can barely see through the points of black taking place on his eyes that threaten to blind him. No way, _no fucking way_ , he’ll give Cas…tiel’s gift now. Not while the jerk is around.

“Well, if you insist…” Balthazar says. Dean wants to look angrily at Cas _tiel_ when he comes to the living room, but he simply can’t. He looks so happy…As if the world was perfect right now. Because Balthazar is with him. Holding his waist and pulling him closer. Dean hates that. He hates it as much as he can, but he can’t make himself angry, not when Castiel’s grin is wider than ever.

Balthazar makes him happy. It’s so easy to see it. And probably the disappointment he’s feeling is visible too, because Sam and Gabe press tighter around him, trying to give him any kind of comfort. It’s not helping. Dean can’t take the image of Castiel curled up with Balthazar in a bed, both naked and smiling at each other.

Dean hates it. He hates that he can’t make Castiel happy that way. He hates he can’t be the one Castiel will wake up and smile to. He hates that Castiel will never curl up with him and kiss his lips so slowly and lovingly as much as Dean wants to kiss him. As much as Dean wants to make him happy. As much as Dean wants to make Castiel love him back.

But once again, his life has never been a bed of roses, why would it be now? Why would Castiel wants Dean as much as Dean wants him? And it isn’t _fair_. It isn’t fair that he has to bite his lips so hard that they bleed so he won’t run away as he wants to. No, he can’t do it. He can’t give that to Balthazar. Because, even if he makes Castiel happy, he still fucking _stole_ Castiel from Dean. Dean won’t simply ignore his pride as he’s done so many times. He’ll stand up and fight. Not for Castiel, since that looks like a battle lost a long time ago, but for himself. He won’t let Balthazar see how much he wants Castiel back. That will _not_ happen.

“So, who goes first?” Mary asks after they’re all seated across the living room. She takes place on the other couch, holding John’s hand and for the first time Dean gets the quick glare his father throws at Balthazar. Dean wants to hug him. He wants to stand up and wrap himself on his father’s arms and thank him for the rest of his days for not liking Balthazar. He stays put, though, only wraps both Sam’s and Gabe’s waist with his arms and tries with all he has not to look at how Castiel is sitting Indian style on the floor with Balthazar leaning against him, Castiel’s hand intertwined with the jerk’s. Dean hates one more thing: the moment Castiel told his family he was gay.

John raises his voice, probably so that Balthazar won’t get the chance to talk and Dean thinks he never loved his father more than at that very moment. “Why don’t we go, dear, so they won’t be shy?” Mary nods with a smile and they give their presents. It’s a weird rule, but couples only have to give one gift at the others. Dean wonders if he’d ever have a chance of giving only one gift together with Castiel if it wasn’t for Balthazar.

More than fast, he sends those thoughts away and fights the urge to throw up. After his parents are done, everyone – except him, Sam and Gabe – is smiling. They all put his gifts aside – another rule is that the families only get to open the gifts when everyone is done – and the little I-hate-Balthazar group remains strong. Dean’s pretty sure his father will join them in a few minutes if he keeps throwing those deadly glances at the jerk.

After all the gifts are given, and after a very weird moment of Castiel’s fingers touching Dean’s when the Winchester gave him his envelope, they start to open them. Dean gets nice stuff. A new iPod from his parents, some classic rock discs from Gabe, a car’s miniature from Bobby and Ellen – probably put together by Bobby himself with the pieces he found on the auto –, a bathroom kit from Sam – he was expecting that, because Sam kind of told him he’d need it for when Cas opened his gift – and a… “Holy shit,” Dean whispers under his breath.

Is that a…? Dean looks at Castiel, his eyes a little wider than usual, only to find his cousin smiling at him. “I thought you’d like it. Well, after a moment at least. Perhaps I should’ve chosen something more expensive, but…I thought it suited.” Castiel shrugs a little and his smile turns shy. Dean only shakes his head.

“It’s awesome. Thanks,” he says with a half-smile, because even though the gift is freaking _amazing_ , Dean still can’t bring himself to be happy. It’s not something that someone would consider nice, but to Dean, it’s the best thing he could get. A picture frame, the borders written with Castiel’s handwriting – words that he decide to read after, when he’s not feeling so angry – and some collages of small photos of them together while growing up. In the center lies a picture as well and Dean can’t stop staring. It’s one he can remember pretty goddamn well when Castiel took.

They were alone at the house when everyone left to buy the things for Castiel to make the supper, two years ago. Dean had just woken up and his face was nearly swollen, but Castiel kept on insisting him to smile at the camera while Castiel held it up, pointing it at him. They were both sitting on Castiel’s bed, since he had jumped on Dean to startle and wake him up. It was very effective. Dean refused for a good time, but then he finally conceded and Castiel grinned at him so hard that Dean’s chest ached. He quickly positioned himself behind Dean, wrapping his arm around his neck and Dean did nothing but raising his hands to hold that arm. Castiel smiled brightly, as always, and his eyes shone in a spectacular way when the click sound filled the room. Dean had smiled at the last moment, but it was a true smile. He was _happy_. For that little moment, everything was perfect.

Dean has to hold back his sigh. That moment ended so quickly…Just like what they were having before Balthazar showed up. Looking at that picture, Dean’s sure he’ll never be able to touch Castiel again without feeling that he’d rather be with someone else. And it burns his lungs. Looks like he won’t be using Sam’s gift any time soon.

“Dean?” It’s Castiel’s voice, but the tone is so confused that Dean barely recognizes it.

“Yeah?” he asks, looking at down at where Castiel is sitting, ignoring as much as possible the way Balthazar’s fingers search for his again.

But Castiel seems lost in the words of Dean’s gift to him. “What is this?” His voice is weak now, nearly softer than usual.

The blonde Winchester only shrugs. “Two tickets with everything included for a weekend at the Canadian mountains,” he explains.

Yes, that was Dean’s plan from the start. He couldn’t get Castiel to touch him? Fine, he would lock himself with him for a whole weekend, just the two of them, no other influence around. His parents were happy with the idea of them getting closer again and he even talked to Bobby and Ellen before actually buying it. Of course he omitted the part where he was doing it basically to rape – or be raped by – their son.

Now the idea seems like something stupid. A child’s dream lost within time. “Why two?” Castiel asks and Dean’s goddamn near to lie. He’s ready to say he thought Castiel would probably like to take someone else, like Balthazar, but Sam’s tongue seems bigger than his mouth. Probably because he knew Dean was going to lie.

“He thought you two could go together,” Sam says while standing up with Gabriel to go play with Sam’s new science kit.

“You two looked like you needed to get closer again,” Gabriel enters the conversation already from the stairs, and Dean isn’t much surprised by the slight anger he hears on the next words. “After all, _he’s_ your _cousin_.”

Silence falls on the living room for the first moments before Dean sighs and starts gathering his gifts. He stands up with a small smile. “It was only a last minute idea; don’t get it the wrong way. Anyways, I’ll just be upstairs and probably take a good nap before lunch time. If any of you need me, I’ll probably be on Gabe’s room. And you can take Balthazar to the trip. I’m sure you two will enjoy it much more than we would.”

With that, he lives the room, only to hear a snort behind him and a loud ‘ _We certainly will, Dean-o, thanks!_ ’ that makes his stomach twist. He climbs up the stairs as fast as he can and he thinks he heard Castiel calling his name, but he doesn’t want to turn around and make sure. Once he turns to the left where Gabe’s room is placed, he finds not only him but also Sam standing by the door and pulling him inside.

He doesn’t object. He doesn’t have the strength to. They seat him on the bed, but the only thing he can do is letting his head fall on his hands. His elbows are placed on his knees, supporting his arms. He can but can’t feel the slow movement of hands on his back and hear the sympathetic and soothing voices that quickly fade away. “That’s why,” Dean whispers after a while.

Right now he finds himself laying on the bed, one leg crossed and the other landing on the floor. He feels so fucking _worthless_. His eyes are closed and his arm is resting on his eyes. It’s possible that he could sleep, but he really doesn’t feel like it. His chest is still twisting nervously and he feels a knot on his throat that makes him want to throw up. “That’s why I didn’t want to admit I’m in love with him,” he confesses more to himself than to his brother and cousin.

“Did I actually think this could work?” Dean’s more thinking out loud than talking really, but it doesn’t stop Sam and Gabe from seating on the floor and looking at him. “I mean, okay, he teased me, he said nice words, he touched me and…And that was it. Nothing more. There’s _never_ going to be more.” He shakes his head, still trying not to believe what he’s actually thinking. “God, I was so stupid…I always let my fucking libido get on the way and it screws everything. Every single thing. Why would it be different with him? What, did I actually think he could _fall in love with me_? This is so absurd that I should just stand up and punch my own face.”

“This is not stupid, Dean,” Sam’s voice cuts his thoughts. “Everyone falls in love with the wrong person at least once.” How can a thirteen-year-old boy be so wise? It’s freaking irritating sometimes, as if Sam has lived a long time before coming back and being his little brother. “Although I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve seen Cas with both you and Balthazar and his movements and posture are completely different.”

Dean huffs. “Thanks, Sam, because that helps a _lot_.”

“Let me finish,” Sam continues and Gabe turns to face him, lightly tilting his head as Castiel does sometimes. It’s not that cute when Gabe does it, but it’s worth a try. “When he’s with Balthazar, he looks like he’s a picture of himself. Okay, he seems happy, but you have to see underneath it. I know it’s hard, but if you pay attention closely, you can see that’s not _him_. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like if Cas isn’t Cas. A shell of himself, maybe? Probably, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s almost like he doesn’t want to be like that, but forces himself to be.”

Right, because Dean is simply supposed to believe that. “Now that you mentioned,” Gabe starts, frowning a little to try and follow Sam’s line of thought. “He _does_ look differently when Balthazar is around. He’s happier, but he’s also…I don’t know stiff and it seems like his subconscious is forcing him to do those things. Sam’s right. With you he’s himself, even though the guy tries pretty damn hard to impress you.”

Good one, Gabe. Dean only snorts and the Novak continues. “I mean it, Dean. Every single year I see him locked up in his room one week before Christmas and all I can hear is ‘Dean…Pie…Flavor…Food…Christmas…Dean…Sauces’ and so on. It’s actually annoying.”

“Yeah, right, because he doesn’t have anything better to do than try to impress _me_. Are you sure you didn’t hear it wrong? It could be _Balthy_ or something worse.” His next laugh is irritating even to himself, but Dean can’t bring himself to actually care. “Look, I’m tired. I don’t want to hear about it right now and maybe never will, but please, can I sleep here so I don’t have to go back to…There?”

Damn, he can’t even say it. Dean doesn’t lose the fact that he’s carefully avoiding to say Castiel’s name. Even thinking about it makes his muscles ache and Dean’s pretty damn sure that saying it would be a thousand times worse. “Yeah, sure, we’ll keep it down,” Gabe says and that’s all it takes for Dean to turn around, now facing the wall, and closes his eyes.

Everything he wanted to think about before Balthazar’s arrival, every little thing about it, fall into a deep hole. He closes it with a cork and promises himself he won’t open it for anyone who might hurt him. Dean swears in that moment of silence that he’ll never allow his feelings to speak up for him. He promises that he’ll never fall in love again. And maybe it’s not that bad if he lets one first and final tear fall from his eye.

When Dean wakes up again, he doesn’t want to open his eyes. He wants to go back to that state of sleep where he doesn’t have to think and there’s no pain. His eyes burn and he knows he didn’t rest at all. There’s something else; something that shouldn’t be there. It’s warm and comforting and it runs on his hair, as if fingers were making their way between the locks and massaging his sculp. He leans into the touch absently, letting a sigh out.

He could just open his eyes and see who it is. But he kind of already knows and he doesn’t want to discover that he’s right. Because if he is – and he’s almost certain, since the fingers become more gentle at every stroke – he’ll have to pull away. Still, that wasn’t his decision. Dean never would have chosen something that hurts so badly. He remembers his promises and opens his eyes slowly, confirming his worries.

Castiel is looking directly at him, a frown on his forehead and a confused expression that only increases when Dean shoves his hand away with a slap and sits down abruptly, putting as much distance between them as possible, which is not exactly easy when Castiel is so close, sitting Indian style on the edge of the bed. “What do you want?” Dean hisses.

No, he doesn’t care anymore about how worry quickly mixes into the confusion. He _can’t_ care about it. Castiel is not feeling like that because he hurt Dean. Fuck, he probably doesn’t even _know_ Dean is hurt. He’s feeling like that because he doesn’t understand how Dean said on the day before that he didn’t care about any rule Castiel would put between them and is now avoiding touch.

“I came to see you,” Castiel says as if it was obvious.

And actually, it _is_ fucking obvious. Dean glares at him. “Yes, I can see that. What do you want?” he repeats, trying to think of a way to fly so he can get himself out of this room that suddenly feels so claustrophobic.

The Novak’s frown gets even deeper and he stares at Dean as if he spoke a foreign language. “Balthazar’s gone. He left short after I…”

“I don’t want to know,” Dean cuts him off, barely able to contain the growl forming in his chest. He moves on from the I-am-not-going-to-touch-you-even-if-that-means-staying-in-this-bed-for-the-rest-of-my-life part and moves forward. For a single and slight moment there’s relief in Castiel’s eyes, but then Dean pulls him away by his shoulder and stands up, straightening his clothes a little.

He can hear Castiel’s breathing getting harder behind him, but you know what? Fuck it. _Fuck_. _It_. Dean moves to the door, but he stops when his cousin talks to him again. “Is this still about what happened this morning in the bathroom?”

Dean can’t stop it. He laughs. But the sound isn’t right, it’s damn right _scary_. He’s almost able to feel Castiel flinching to the sound as the Winchester turns to face him, arms crossed against his chest and body leaned against the door. “Don’t worry, _cousin_ , you won’t have to be troubled by that anymore. I’m moving from your room, by the way. I will probably sleep on the couch or something. Don’t know; don’t care.”

It’s almost too fast for his eyes, but suddenly Castiel is front of him, confusion yelling on his every movement. “Why? Why are you doing this?” There’s also a thin line of something else underneath Castiel’s voice, but Dean can’t care enough to find out what it is.

“Why would you care?” he asks, frowning a little and moving from the door, standing straight and even though Castiel is older, he’s that little shorter than Dean and it makes the situation turn on the Winchester’s favor. “It’s not like we need a room for something. It’s not like I’m going to take visits wherever I’m to stay.”

Castiel’s expression is hard to read, but his eyes give away everything. They give the confusion, the worry and that slight hint of what Dean can’t name. “What are you saying, Dean? You’re not making any sense! Was it something I did?”

“Damn right it was something you did!” Dean shouts, startling both of them and making Castiel stumble back as Dean approaches with heavy steps and deadly eyes. He’s not stopping now. He _can’t_ stop now. The words simply keep coming out. “I’m not a fucking _puppet_ that you can use and throw away whenever something better shows up! And don’t even start with the ‘you know this wasn’t serious from the start’ speech, because I’m freaking tired of knowing that. But you know what? I don’t give a shit! Go and be a manwhore, go and sleep with the first goddamn guy that happens to pass by, go and forget who was there when you were too stressed out because of your SATs and nearly cried, go and forget who took you to bed and tried to calm you down, go and forget who covered your ass when you came drunk from a party three years ago and Ellen was home, go and forget who told you to chase your dream because you wanted to be an actor since I’ve said my first words, go and forget who helped you the whole way back to your bedroom when you fell on the pool and twisted your ankle, go and forget everything that has ever been important to me until this morning, because _I don’t fucking care_.”

Dean’s holding Castiel’s shirt with both of his hands, his fingers curled on it and it doesn’t take much more than a strong push for Castiel to fall on the bed, his eyes widely open and a little watery, the something being his biggest emotion now. He falls down with a soundless thump and that’s all it takes for Dean to turn around and nearly run to the door, slamming it behind him. But just before doing it, Dean finds out that he knows what the something is. It’s despair. Castiel was desperate with what Dean was saying. Why, because he thought Dean was going to take his gift back and he wouldn’t have a weekend with his _beloved Balthazar_? No, Dean’s better than that. He can have the fucking tickets and do whatever he wants with them. The amount of fucks Dean gives is none. He never thought he would feel this way about Castiel, but that’s the only way Dean has to describe the feeling. He simply stopped caring, because he can’t keep on worrying about someone who doesn’t even give a shit about what he feels.

It’s a little bit scary to feel that, he can’t recall one single day he didn’t spend thinking about him. He can remember that at school, whenever they saw something about the ancient theaters he quickly memorized everything only so he could tell Castiel about them after. He can remember that once John and Mary took him and Sam to a zoo and he was head over heels excited to see the lions because Castiel told him once that they were his favorite animals and Dean wanted to take as many pictures of them as he could. He can remember that every time he got a nice grade at school, the first person he told about was Castiel, either by a phone call or a text message. He can remember spending nights awake texting him about the stupidest things only because Castiel was nervous about a test and couldn’t sleep. Not once Dean told him about the times he went to the principal’s office for sleeping in class in the morning after.

They were so fucking close…And now they are nothing. Nothing more than two people who happened to be blood relatives. Dean sighs. He can’t do anything about that anymore. Perhaps that’s what was to happen from the start. Perhaps that is for the best? Dean doesn’t believe that kind of crap. He believes that either one or both of them screwed everything up, but he can’t tell if he has part of the blame.

Dean leans against the closed door from the outside, looking at the hallway wall in front of him. Pictures are lined up all along it and he can’t help but running his eyes through each and every one. The first one is too far away and he can’t recognize it. It’s close to Castiel’s bedroom and he doesn’t intend to go there anytime soon. He can only tell there are two people. Probably Castiel and Balthazar, since they are clearly boyfriends or the fuck they prefer to call it.

The next is Bobby and Ellen on their trip to Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower. Then it’s one of Castiel and Gabriel at the beach on Gabe’s eleventh birthday. Castiel is holding a cell phone while smiling at the camera and Dean knows Castiel was texting him. He can even remember the message saying ‘ _Wait, my mom wants to take some pictures of me and Gabe, I’ll answer you in a bit, don’t go away from the phone, it’ll just take a few minutes._ ’ As if he actually cared.

All of the Novaks are on the next picture, Bobby and Ellen kissing, Gabe making a grimace at them and Castiel laughing at his brother. They seem to be in a hotel bedroom or something, since Dean doesn’t recognize the bed. He stands straight and continues to follow the hallway to the left, towards Bobby and Ellen’s room. Dean never stopped to look at those photos, but he can recall most of them. Possibly they made a copy to keep on their albums.

Gabe and Sam are on the following picture, Sam in the front, sticking his tongue out with his mouth open and hands on either side of his head, all fingers spread, while Gabe supports himself on Sam’s head and winks with a small smirk on his lips. They are on a studio when the Winchesters and the Novaks decided to make a photo shoot of both families together last year.

When Dean gets to the next one, he can’t stop smiling. Mary and John are hugging Bobby and Ellen on the back, laughing at some joke Bobby just told. Sam is in front of Mary, cleaning the corner of his eye because he had cried a bit. Gabriel is front of Ellen, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms against his chest but with a huge smile. And then there’s Dean and Castiel in front of John and Bobby. They are looking at each other, still smiling but a little more composed. What catches Dean’s attention this time in a way it never did, is their eyes. His owns are different, the sparkle isn’t the same, as if he had just seen the most amazing thing ever. Castiel’s aren’t much different. Dean has never seen them so blue. He knows it’s not the camera’s light because now that he sees it, he can remember were just like that when he looked at him. He also remembers that they had just turned to face each other when the picture snapped.

“It’s one of my favorite pictures of us,” John’s voice says beside Dean, making him jump. His father is smiling at the picture, laughing a little after Dean’s reaction to his presence. “We have to talk, son.”

At first Dean thinks he’ll be in trouble for something he did and can’t remember, but John is still smiling, soft, as if he has just realized something and is happy with it, although Dean can’t tell what. “Sure, what it is?”

John doesn’t turn to face him, he keeps looking at the picture and Dean’s heart starts to accelerate a little when he notices that his father’s eyes are fixed on Castiel and him. “I’m not blind, Dean,” he starts and Dean swallows, looking at the picture as well. “I know what you’re trying to hide and I don’t want you to hide it. I always suspected it, if I’m to be honest. Not that I’m completely for it, but I can understand. You two always were close and when you said you wanted to buy that gift, it hit me. And don’t think I didn’t see how you reacted to that English dumbass. I’ve been watching you since we got here and I can see it’s not just a _thing_. But I have a question for you. Do you love him?”

Dean chokes on his own saliva. His eyes are widely opened and he’s coughing, trying to breathe again. What the fuck is going on?! John knows about him and Castiel? He thinks they are together? Wow, wow, wow, saddle down, cowboy! “Dad, what the hell are you talking about?” is the only thing he’s able to ask.

“As I said, I’m not blind. Don’t try to pretend you were just screwing around or something.” John’s voice is lower now, even a little dangerous. “Answer my question, Dean.”

How? How the hell is he supposed to answer that? Does he love him? Perhaps he did before he closed everything inside himself. Perhaps he was not just _in_ love with Castiel. Perhaps he did love him. But now he doesn’t. He simply can’t bring himself to anymore. Dean shakes his head before saying the words. “No, at least not after today. Maybe I did before, but now…Now I can’t.”

The older Winchester sighs. Dean doesn’t know what he’s thinking, but he can see that he’s trying to find the right words to say. “You’re only a teenager, Dean. You’ll still love lots of people. But there’s always that one person that we’ll love forever, no matter who we marry, no matter who we love after him or her. I feel this way about your mother. If we ever happened to split and I married someone else, I would still love her. You can’t let this person escape if you have the chance. And the way you look at him…It’s the way I looked at your mother. Especially here.” He points at the picture with his head.

A small smile takes place at the corner of Dean’s lips. John and Mary’s marriage is the happiest one Dean has ever seen. They don’t fight, they don’t have bad moments, they don’t shout at each other. They are simply them. Dean wishes he could have something like that. To love someone so much that nothing would get in the way. But life’s not that easy for everyone. It’s true, Dean’s only a teenager, he’ll still fall in love a dozen times, if he takes the cork out.

Maybe his father is right. Maybe Castiel is that one person, but Dean can’t force himself to say he’s still in love with him. The cork is still closed tightly and he likes it that way. It’s a lot less painful. It makes it bearable. “I’m sorry, dad,” he says slowly. “I don’t want to be stupid and let this person escape, but it’s not like he feels the same. You were there, dad. You saw them.”

And even with the cork that still hurts as fuck. He can talk about it better, but it still makes his chest feel tighter. “I did,” John admits with a small nod. “But his eyes weren’t like in this very picture.”

Dean shakes his head in disbelief, laughing in a low tone. He’s surprised his father accepts what he used to feel for Castiel that easily, but he’s also happy as hell with that. It’s good to have someone older to talk about it. “It’s done, dad. Balthazar makes him happy and I won’t stay in the way.”

“What about you?” John asks, surprising Dean a little. “Does Castiel make _you_ happy?” He finally turns to face Dean, but the blonde can’t do anything but frowning. “Because, son, if he does, you can’t give up that easily. What about everything I ever taught you? You forgot it that easily because another guy showed up?”

Of course Dean didn’t forget. He remembers very well every single thing his father taught him. To chase his dreams, not to be stupid and to fight for what he wants. But how can he? Everything seems like it’s falling apart and he doesn’t have the tools to fix it. “He _made_ me happy. It doesn’t matter now. We talked about it, he doesn’t feel the same and I can’t force him to. He feels that for Balthazar and that’s it. It’s over, whatever it was.”

The hurt in his words is weaker than yesterday, but it’s still there and Dean thinks it will always be, no matter what he does. John doesn’t miss it either. “You have always been a terrible liar.” Dean turns to him sharply, his frown more increased. “Look, Dean, I know it hurts. I was there when the dumbass arrived.” The teen can’t help a quick chuckle to leave his lips to the reference to Balthazar. “Castiel changed instantaneously and I don’t know why. Perhaps he likes the guy and he’s possessive, whatever. What matters right now is that _I_ won’t let you be stupid enough to give up a fight that isn’t over. So I’m here to give you a dead end. You have until tomorrow morning to fix this or I’ll fix it for you.”

“What?!” Dean doesn’t understand what happened and his brain can’t process the words fast enough. “Dad, what are you saying? What are you going to do? Fix this, fix this _how_? There’s nothing to fix anyway,” he tries, but John is not convinced.

“You’ll see. Unless you fix it, I’ll do it my way.” He stops talking when they hear someone coming up the stairs.

Gabriel gives them a small smile. “Sorry to interrupt, but have you seen my stupid brother? I have to talk to him.”

Dean points at Gabe’s bedroom and the boy says a low ‘ _thanks_ ’ before entering and starting to yell. The yelling stops abruptly and Dean wonders what happened. “Anyway,” John continues. “I’ll be downstairs with your mother and brother. Supper is ready and whenever you feel like it, come down and eat something. You slept the whole day and it’s almost eight p.m. You must be hungry.”

With those words, John leaves Dean to his own thoughts. What did he mean with he’ll fix it? Is Dean supposed to be afraid of it? Because if he isn’t, his dad didn’t do a good job. The green-eyed teen shakes his head strongly, trying to send those thoughts away. He doesn’t want to think about anything right now and he’s really happy with things the way they are. What hurt this morning, doesn’t hurt that bad anymore now and he thinks maybe until the night it won’t hurt at all.

He’s about to go downstairs when the yelling starts again inside Gabriel’s room and Dean hears his name. Well…Curiosity speaks louder sometimes. Dean positions himself, leaning against the doorway in time to get the last words. “…stupid, Castiel! What the fuck are you trying to do? What is it with Balthazar? You don’t love him! You don’t even like him, you told me!”

It’s Castiel’s voice that comes next, but it sounds frustrated, weak and yet as loud as Gabriel’s. “So what? I don’t have to love or like someone only to have sex with them. I’m old enough to choose my own partners and you have no right to tell me who I can or can’t be with!”

“The fuck I don’t! I’m your brother, I have the right to take care of you, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. For the love of god, Castiel, what are you doing? Why did you react that way when Balthazar showed up? Didn’t you see the look on Dean’s face, you colossal idiot?”

Dean thinks about going inside and dragging Gabriel out. He may have the right to take care of Castiel, but he has none to say those things about Dean. Castiel was there, he saw very well how Dean reacted. “I am being myself. You know very well I don’t want a relationship at that moment and I’ll take every advantage of being single I can. Dean has nothing to do with it, I was perfectly clear before we did anything at all that I care about him, but that’s _it_.”

A strange sound takes place in the air and Dean is pretty sure Gabriel just slapped Castiel. “You’re such a liar. If you like so much being single why did you even start something with him? Don’t tell me you don’t know how he feels about you. And don’t tell me you don’t feel the same way because I can see through this stupid armor you built for yourself. What, you think it will be difficult because he lives far from here? Because you two are related? Because he likes you for exactly who you are and not some stupid character you came up with to get laid? Whatever the reason is, _suck it up_ and _be a man about it_. You’re afraid of relationships? Suck it up. You think you’ll disappoint him? Suck it up. You’re afraid he’ll hurt you? Suck it up. You think it will never work? Suck. It. _Up_. You’ll never know what could and couldn’t have been if you don’t try.”

Every word Gabriel says is like a new little pull at the cork. It feels like the little Novak is trying to give Dean some hope even not knowing he’s there. It hurts. Dean doesn’t want it to hurt. He has to go away, but he can’t move. Not before hearing Castiel’s answer. “What if it is? What if those that you listed are the exact problems I have with assuming something more serious with him? What if I am in love with him and try to hide every single fucking thing by getting laid with all those guys? What if Balthazar is the one who makes me forget the most about him when he’s not here and I simply can’t afford to lose that? What if I’m too afraid to screw everything up? What _if_?”

It’s hard, but Dean can more or less hear the little breaks at the end of Castiel’s sentences. They shouldn’t hurt as much as they do. Not with the cork placed, at least. In a desperate thought, Dean realizes it’s not placed anymore. It’s still there, but Castiel’s words have more effect than Gabriel’s to pull it out. Dean won’t stand much more of it. Everything hurts and it’s like if he was going to break. He barely can keep himself to his feet and he most certainly can’t keep himself from opening that fucking door and making both of the Novak brothers look at him with wide eyes and guilt expressions.

“Then you fucking forget about what is to come and shut the fuck up.” Gabriel gives a step to the side and Dean sees Castiel exactly where he threw him. “You give me a goddamn chance to make it right instead of using me and throwing me away. You forget about Balthazar and whoever else you hide yourself in to forget me. You simply stop talking nonsense and tell me _exactly_ what you want me to do and how you want me to do it because I have no fucking clue.”

Castiel doesn’t answer immediately and Gabriel leaves, closing the door behind him after shooting Castiel a glare. Dean stays there, his eyes connected with stupid blue ones. He’s standing in the middle of the bedroom and he simply doesn’t know what to do anymore. The cork isn’t as strong as he thought it was. It’s hurting to take it out, but slowly it’s coming. Against his will, mainly, because his promises from earlier are still valid, but he’s willing to give Castiel a chance. He’s willing to let him help him take it out.

Almost one hundred percent of the blame is John’s. Dean didn’t even want to see Castiel again before their talk. But his father is right. Castiel _is_ that person Dean will always be in love with, no matter who comes after. It’s a difficult thing to admit and it fucking kills him because he doesn’t know if Castiel was only throwing a hypothesis or if he was telling the truth, but whatever the right answer is, Dean is tired of hiding it.

He’s tired of everything that has been happening for the last five years. He’s tired of pretending he hates Castiel when he gets desperate because he has no more money to send him messages. He’s tired of pretending he doesn’t want this. He’s tired of pretending he doesn’t want _him_.

And if he’s to be honest with himself, he’s tired of pretending he hasn’t been in love with Castiel for at least the last three years. And loving him? Well, that’s a different story that is practically the same. He’s tired of pretending he doesn’t love him for his whole life as a family member, for the last five years as a man, and the last two days as his.

Dean walks a few unsteady steps towards him and Castiel doesn’t react. He doesn’t move his eyes; he doesn’t move forward, he simply keeps staring at Dean. But Dean does notice that his knuckles are white from holding the bed as strongly as he is. The Winchester can’t say if it’s because he wants him to approach, or if it’s because he’s afraid to say he was just saying those things hypothetically. He only knows that he’s still approaching and he won’t stop if Castiel doesn’t tell him to.

Convinced that this is a bad idea, Dean thinks about putting the cork back the whole way. He knows he can do it and will be easy even. But then, in the last moment when he’s a step away from the bed, Castiel stands up and holds his face, pulling him down for the best kiss Dean has ever had in his whole life.

It’s frightening, it’s desperate, it’s senseless, it’s everything Dean feels for Casti…Cas, and it’s everything Cas feels for him. Dean pulls him closer by his hips and digs one of his fingers inside his hair, holding onto anything he can. Cas can’t step back now, he simply _can’t_. And he doesn’t seem to want it either.

“Everything,” Cas starts saying against Dean’s lips, his hands holding his cheeks to keep him in place. “Everything I always wanted to tell you is this. I’m in love with you, Dean. I want you so badly it fucking hurts. It’s not supposed to be this way; _I’m_ not supposed to let it happen this way. But I can’t, Dean. I can’t pretend anymore. Not after touching you like this. Not after having you as mine like I’m having you right now. Don’t hate me. God, please, don’t hate me. Don’t hate me for being so afraid that I had to run to him so I wouldn’t lose the one thing I had to keep me away from you.”

Dean shushes him, caressing his waist with his thumb, kissing his lips slowly a few times, and placing their foreheads together, his other hand on Cas’s hair, digging his fingers inside in a loving movement as he speaks. “You don’t need that anymore. I’m here, Cas. I’m here and I won’t hurt you. I won’t leave you and I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to. And I don’t. I don’t want to hate you. I’m sorry for saying I didn’t care. Jesus, you’re what I most care about. I need you, right here, with me. Stay with me, Cas, please.”

The answer never comes, but both of them know that it isn’t needed. Dean knows, by the way Cas’s lips move against his own, that his cousin will stay. It’s true that they will face a huge amount of trouble, especially if their families find out, but, at least, they’ll have each other. Cas has Dean, and, for the first time, Dean’s certain he also has Cas. He can’t say he wasn’t worth waiting for.


End file.
